Messages from the Heart

This must be what all the books and movies are about. 

The incessant wanderings in my mind,

No matter what, can't get him out of my head. 

The way my heart feels empty without seeing him,

Even just a glimpse of him.

My every emotion dependent upon him,

My happiness is his happiness.

His sadness is my sadness.

The way our souls have become so irrevocably intertwined that we finish each other's sentences.

He truly sees the bits of me that I'm ashamed to let anyone else see.

The gory, raw pieces of me.

I feel at peace when he's around.

Just knowing he's near, makes my soul feel safe and sound.

Loving him enough to ignore the screaming flaws, ingrained in us all.

His love enough to break every wall.

This must be what all the books and movies are about. 

Learning Curves

I have learned to find beauty in the simplicity of everyday things,
I have learned to finally open my mind and spread my wings.
I have learned to laugh, even when I am unsure of the right words to say.
I have learned to prance around without care,
I have learned that it's okay to share.
I have learned to love and let my feelings fly free,
I have learned what it means to truly embrace glee.
I have learned to cry over other's lies,
I have learned to take a deep breath and have a slice of pie.
I have learned to relax,
I have learned that it's okay to not be exact.
I have learned to rejoice even when I feel I have no voice.
I have learned to embrace my faults even when it's hard,
I have learned that no one can ever become too marred.

This year has been wrapped in teachings, so much so that I constantly feel I'm reaping. And under the umbrella of grace, this year has helped me find His face.

Reasons to Keep Living

Just in case one of you needed a reminder...

Reasons:

hot bubble baths after a stressful day. smelling books. exploring new thrift shops. looking up big words in a dictionary. a wide, full toothed smile. laughing at the latest romantic comedy. traveling to foreign lands. eating exotic foods. wearing big, ugly sweaters. singing Christmas carols. hiking in the mountains. writing in a journal. attending midnight premieres. enjoying candy canes. watching the sunrise and sunset. crying to release the pain. becoming engrossed by a novel. painting your nails. being kissed by someone who truly cares. watching a child learn to walk. learning how to sew. wearing a beautiful dress. watching a monumental documentary. enjoying a banana split sundae with extra hot fudge. going on drives at midnight. wearing fuzzy socks. running your toes through the sand. the smell of rain. speaking a unique language. having a grand adventure. falling in love for the first time. falling in love for forever. giving the gift of forgiveness. pulling an all-nighter. the first drop of an insane roller coaster. baking cookies. Broadway plays. attending football games. watching Disney movies from childhood. beanies. stuffed animals from a special someone. sleeping with someone you love. cuddling. the euphoric feeling after a good workout. listening to a good 80's song. catching fireflies. catching snowflakes. building gingerbread houses. dancing in the rain. bonfires. realizing a mistake is not the end of the world. poetry. rubbing lotion on smooth skin. eating until you're full. long hugs. discovering a new indie band. coffee with the perfect amount of whipped cream. worn in blue jeans. a double rainbow. scavenger hunts. debates. a loud thunderstorm. baby kittens. joy. hope. dreaming about infinite possibilities. everything.

Because we all need a list like this one sometimes. Stay Strong. 

Influence

"All influence is immoral. Because to influence a person is to give him one's own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there is such things as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of someone else's music, an actor of a part that had not been written for him."
-The Picture of Dorian Gray (Oscar Wilde)

Influence. Such a simplistic, yet complex word with so much power. Most people take advantage of their actions, choose to selfishly hold onto them without any regard for how they might affect others. Really, every step we take as individuals holds meaning. When coming across this quote, I was instantly reminded of the importance of making decisive decisions. Instead of acting impulsively and sporadically, perhaps, I could take the time to think about how my steps affect others. Instead of choosing to make decisions based solely on how they can impact my life, maybe I could stop to consider the way each seemingly simple action holds the potential to make or break someone's day.

However, at what point is influence taken to the extreme? At what point is influence too dangerous? This quote so eloquently provides readers with a clear picture of how shallow a person can become. Often, I see simple-minded people making dangerous decisions based on some other simplistic person's influence and persuasion. There comes a time when influential power becomes over-wrought with selfishness and greed. The power to control and promote one's own opinions and ideals is so addicting. Sometimes, people purposefully exert influence based on the sheer thrill of it all. The adrenaline rush which comes from control.

So let us strive to make influence become balanced. Consider another person when making being decisive, yet be aware of the tempting swell of power which stems from being a driving force. Exerting influence is inevitable, yet be mindful.

"Iron sharpens iron, as one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

Honest Reflection

I look in the mirror and all I see is my past.

The words "slut" "drunk" and "fatass" scar my face like a mask. 

I wonder how long this will last,

Because I doubt I can handle it anymore with class.

He looks at me with such dignity,

But can't he see what my past has made me?

I'm nothing but a giant scar,

Trying to forget who she was at the start.

Maybe this is depressing,

But, hell, hopefully you'll learn a lesson.

Your past shapes you, molds you, creates you.

Just when you think you've escaped it-finally fled from its grasp,

It will come reminding you that forgetting is an impossible task.

Hopefully one day I will finally see,

The person I was truly meant to be.

But for now, all I see,

Is a screwed up me. 

To The Moon

My heart races,

Palpitates with desire and fear. 

Every time I feel your hand graze mine,

Something in me begins to feel alive.

I could do this until the day I die,

Gallivanting around with my favorite guy. 

I love you to the moon and back.

Whenever we fight,
It's not out of spite.

I love you to the moon and back.

We look at houses,
Dreaming about our futures.
Hoping to never stray apart.
Even though this life is hard,
I hope to always keep you in my heart.

I love you to the moon and back.

This road might be rough,
And the hardships tough.
But I know one thing for sure,
With us there is always allure.

I love you to the moon and back.

Nostalgia and Discontent

I have always seemed discontented. I rushed around as a little girl, in frilly pink dresses, dreaming about the day I would start high school. I would dreamily hold hands with my pretend "boyfriend" and long for my first kiss. As a five, six, seven, eight year old with an active imagination; I would practice graduating high school and waltz down the wedding aisle.

As my senior year continues to unfold, I find myself wanting, more than anything, to be that bright-eyed baby girl again. Oh how I wish I could stop the incessant ticking of my life clock. Children spend so long trying to grow up, sometimes they forget to be kids for a little while. Now, I find myself regressing into childish behaviors: watching Disney movies, sleeping with a night light, and cuddling with my favorite stuffed animal. It's exciting to ponder the possibilities of my future, but I still find myself wanting to just freeze today.

If I could go back and tell my childish self any piece of advice, it would be this: live in the moment. Enjoy each day as it comes. Cherish the bedtime stories momma reads to you every night. Rejoice in the feeling of the wind in your hair as you swing higher and higher on a swing set. Keep playing pretend for as long as you can, because one day, your imagination simply runs out. Remember to count your blessings each time your parents dress you up for church and parade you around like a porcelain china doll. Never fail to embrace your youth.

Today, I will allow myself the freedom to pursue the road of nostalgia. I will remember. Even though I cannot permanently stop time, I will enjoy the beauty of yesterday. My senior year may be constantly moving forward, I will allow myself to sneak quick glimpses backwards whenever I feel the urge to remember the days where life was simple, and I was carefree.

Strong.

Strong. To me, this simple word is more than just five characters. In my life, “strong” is a state of mind, an impetus to keep moving forward even when everything seems to fall apart.

I was thirteen years old when my friend Buli Mia corrupted me. She became essential to my identity, an unrelenting force. Buli whispered lies of inadequacy into my heart and gripped my soul with her iron fist. Pretty soon, she invited Ana Rexia to assist in her conquest. Every aspect of my life was dictated by their desires. Calories were our worst enemy, even more so than mirrors.

Years later, I awoke pale and fragile. My skin was sallow and my heart broken. Kicking and screaming, my loving mother dragged me to the doctor, whom she hoped would send me a wake up call. I was told I would die if Ana and Buli did not leave me alone. The weight of my friends’ destruction hit me like a tidal wave. I realized just how broken and lost I truly had become. I was a  broken, beautiful soul.

Miserable and alone, I willed my friends to leave me alone. I could not bear the weight of their subtle ploys any longer. I could not face my sin with a smile. Curled in a fetal position on my massive bed, feeling my protruding bones, I made a decision. I would no longer let Ana and Buli into my life. I would try my hardest to shut out their sweet whispers of desire. I would stand firmly in the truths of who I am, and refuse to stop fighting until I had gained every ounce of my broken identity back. I would never let the lies of others dictate whom I had become.

Now, I am determined to never allow these enemies into my life. Every day is a struggle, every meal a miracle. But I will celebrate each individual triumph. I have “strong” permanently inked into my skin as a representation of what I have overcome. Whenever obstacles stand in my way, I remember my resolution made in the wake of my sinful self. I will stand strong, suck the marrow out of life, and allow freedom access into my soul. I will win.

Always

Will my soul always feel this flighty,
Like a bird which yearns to be set free.
A wandering girl searching for purpose in the wind?
Will I always like to wonder,
Entice my mind with snippets of knowledge?
Will I always crave adventure,
Run towards it at a dizzying speed and
Embrace it, clutch it, taste it.
Will I always have this desire,
A hot flame gnawing at the purest parts of me,
Ensuing forbidden thoughts that no one else can see?
Will I always have a fear,
Fear of never fitting in.
Fear of missing out.
Fear of spiraling down.
Will I always have this need,
A dark, empty hole scorching the inner piece of me?
Will I always turns to
I will always.
I will always be drunk off the sound of my own laughter.
I will always love the feeling of the wind through my hair.
I will always run through fields with reckless abandon.
I will always hunger for answers to life's burning questions.
I will always love passionately and fully.
I will always find solace in penning my thoughts onto paper.
I will always be Katy, I will always be me.

Change: Unmistakeable, Ever-present

Change is a strange evocation of feelings,
Which encompass the changing of events.
As this new season of my life begins to commence,
I find myself wanting to reminisce.
College applications flooding my terrain,
Countless memories fill my obnoxious brain.
A shy, scared little girl,
Is now ready to take on the world.
I'm scared about the future-
Yes, it's a scary plight.
Yet, I keep finding peace as each day turns to night.
God's got a plan,
My destination in sight.
It's strange how time speeds by with each new light.
My future is brimming,
For once, life is unmistakably worth living.
A scared little girl once afraid to take flight,
Now finds solace with her dreams each night.

Floating on Cloud Nine

The way his eyes glint with a shimmer of understanding,
Makes my heart race and I can't feel myself standing.
I know I'm floating on a cloud,
But I honestly can't see myself coming down.
The high is undeniable,
My appetite for love is insatiable.
Hungry for his touch,
Longing for his company.
I pray if I'm dreaming it doesn't end abruptly.
So lost in love,
Navigating blurred lines is tough.
Never thought I would be enough,
Since when do I deserve this much?
The way his blue eyes shine,
For once I feel completely divine,
Taking my sweet time.
Can't believe this boy is mine.

A little something

Every time I look into his eyes,
A shattered slice of my heart begins to shine.
With him I never have to hide,
He knows pieces of me even I could never find.
It's a breath of fresh air,
The feeling of his hands through my hair.
With him I never have to be scared,
And I'm surprisingly unafraid of him not being there.

He's been my rock through it all-
Stuck through the mire even when it wasn't his fault.
Best friends until the end,
Lovers who don't have to pretend.
Each moment with him is a gift.
So thankful for his ability to uplift.

An angel to my nightmare,
The fuel to my every desire.
Like a small flame can start a fire,

So it feels my love will never tire.

Time

It's amazing how fast time passes. It seems like just yesterday I was building leaf piles with my little sisters, and running around splashing in puddles left by the pounding rain. Today, I am an overwhelmed, stressed teenager with too much to juggle and not enough time for sleep. A pile of college applications stare at me from the end of my kitchen table. Reminders keep coming in the mail to order senior pictures. A job dictates my freedom. Yet, in a weird way, I have never felt more full. I am surrounded by people who genuinely try to enrich my life. I am in a healthy, stable relationship. 

It's funny how time elapses. Time is a clever, unstable tracker of memories and moments. Nostalgia creeps over me like a wave beating against the shore. As my senior year looms before me, I find myself remembering. Remembering days when hours felt like years and time seemed a stretch of infinite possibility. Now, I can't seem to get enough of time-it feels so limited and precious. 

So I resolve to make the most of this limited measure humans call time. It will not scare me into making memories, rather, it will be the impetus to move forward and carry on the rest of my year without hesitation. Time is valuable. Time is a marker of infinite possibility. Time is what stands between me and the next chapter of my short life. Time is the gift which allows me the freedom to make the most of each moment. Time is a ticking clock. 

Reflections

Looking back on the past year of my life, I am humbled.

A year ago, I was frail and tragically broken. I was scared to death of being unlike those around me. I was terrified of being myself and had a heightened awareness of what others thought of me. Did I have reasons to feel this way? Yes. I was justified in my distress. I was broken and my heart was still in shambles because of events that had left their mark. However, I was bound. Bound by my depression and my sadness. Bound by the lies of my enemy. Bound by the chains wrapped around my heart and my heartstrings.

Now, I am free. I am whole. I am fully me. 

A year of challenges, peer pressure, relationship dramatics, and angst. A year of heartbreak and making mistakes. A year of lessons in what it means to truly love and trust. A year of laughter and deciding to remove the mask which previously blocked my tears. A year of evolving, and exploring. A year of travel-embracing the wanderlust which pushes me daily towards adventure. A year of everlasting friendship.

Today, I will laugh. Today, I will sing-not to show off or gain attention, but to feel the fullness which comes with releasing every note. Today, I will smile a toothy grin. Today, I will open up a piece of my heart with bitter reluctance and bold courage. Today, I will marvel at the beauty at my Creator's hand. Today, I will rejoice in the joy oozing out of my every pore. I will enjoy this rush of happiness and rest in the assurance contentedness brings. Today, I will enjoy being the most complete version of myself. I will embrace my quirks and my failures. Today, I choose to be me. 

Renewed

A murmur awakens deep corners of my dusty, dirty soul.

A sensitive yearning only felt once before-

A childlike whisper tinged with the faint hope of desire.

Burning longing dares to expose the most fragile parts of me-

The gooey, vulnerable bits only he seems to see.

With each faint touch my body slowly begins to de-thaw.

Learning to trust again,

Learning to open myself up to the faintest possibility of love again.

With each passing day I find myself wondering-is it really possible for a woman as dried up and callous as I to find the courage to intrust another human with my porcelain heart?

And yet, the answer slams against me like an exhilarating ocean wave.

I don't even need to ask myself this burning question.

For i know, as damaged as I am

As scarred and twisted my heart has seemingly become,

The beaconing of his soul is stronger than any chain, any hindrance I might be afraid to find again.

I will fall-harder, stronger, more passionately than I would before.

Because as marred as my inner spirit might seem, I know that love is for me.

A bright spot in my journey

Blue skies with polka dots of white,

Winds whispering hopeful promises into my damp, black soul.

"Look on the bright side. Soak in the warmth of the glimmering promise of each new day."

A confident quiet spirit fills my aching mind.

Flowers dancing in the breeze,

Seem to speak truths of ease. 

A new day brims with rays of sunshine.

The ice of my black heart melts and sizzles with the beaming smiles of those around.

My heart can truly observe what's all abound,

My spirit soars, my soul grows wings.

Maybe I'm learning how to really sing.

The weight has lifted,

I must appreciate what I've been gifted.

Blue skies with polka dots of white.

A battered soul with a hopeful spirit

She spends her days

Reflecting on her ways-

How and what she could change.

A life full of pain,

A smile carved to conceal the pain.

She wakes up and lives out her fate,

Singing songs of hope

And wiping tears off a little girl's face.

As the girl grows up,

She wonders how she could be so tough.

Fighting battles for her daughter

Who couldn't do much

To stop the bullies from being rough.

Her life may seem the same,

But to that little girl it's not a game.

Her momma receives all pride and joy.

The little girl is not ashamed,

To wake up everyday and face her momma's rain. 

The girl remains the same

Yet starts to rapidly change.

Not so little anymore, 

She glimpses her mother once more.

Swallows her adolescent pride,

And decides to tell her mother the reasons she shouldn't hide.

You're so much more than you've been settling for.

You're someone I will forever adore.

You're someone willing to explore.

You taught me how to implore,

Question the universe and find what's in store.

You're one of a kind-

No one else could ever be so sublime.

You're funny to be around-with you I don't have to hide.

You're worth more weight in gold than I could ever buy.

I love you mom and I'm trying to tell you why...

Keep holding on,

I know your rope is thin

But I couldn't even imagine this life

Without you by my side.

A Burst of Sunlight

A sunrise reveals itself on the brink of her distress,
The wind gently plays with the ruffles in her dress.
A smile which gleams like gold
Makes its way through her shattered soul.

A gift in disguise,
An undercover blessing unfolding before her eyes.
Who know that joy could take the form
Of an imperfect storm.

A hand to hold in the middle of the bitter cold.
A shoulder on which she can unload
her incessant cries and desperate attempts to fulfill the world "alone."
Two strong arms which cradle her when she weeps.
A gentle voice which whispers promises he yearns to keep.
His heart beat which lulls her fast asleep.

She plods on with her day,
Telling herself she's finally rid herself of the decay-
the ever present, disparaging darkness of a past come to play.
A new light shines at dawn,
and I-I am finally learning what it means to move on.

The Perks of Being Human

"Why do I, and everyone I know pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"~Sam

"We accept the love we think we deserve"~Charlie

(The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky)

Reading this quote from one of my favorite novels made me feel like Stephen Chbosky peered into my inner soul and spoke the words I most needed to hear. Throughout my life I have constantly chosen to spend my time with people who do not deserve a millisecond of attention. In both friendships and relationships, I have chosen to give the most fragile pieces of my heart to those who have constantly treated me like a piece of disgusting bacteria growing on a stale piece of bread. The other day I was feeling worthless and vulnerable when I began truly mulling over this important thought of "accepting the love we think we deserve." I realized that through Charlie's letters, my eyes have been opened and I have learned the secret to pursuing worthwhile relationships: self worth.

I began asking myself a simple question. How do you REALLY view yourself? If I continue to see a withered, scarred, worthless reflection when I look in the mirror, how am I ever going to be satisfied with my earthly relationships. I realized that in order to view myself with the right mindset, and break the vicious cycle of choosing people who beat up on my self esteem, I accept how God views me as his precious child. He chooses to ignore the broken pieces of my inner self, and instead sees me as a precious treasure. God sees me as a beautiful creation, instead of an exhausted, worthless screw-up. The secret to establishing beneficial relationships is in changing how we view ourselves, and accepting the love we TRULY deserve.

Progress.

Shattered pieces of my soul,
Slowly begin to feel almost whole.
So many lessons are starting to unfold.
Once a curse, now a blessing
Am I truly able to withstand His testing?
Taking the pain and stuffing it within,
He allows a new journey to commence.
Every day a reminder of His unfailing grace.
Meeting real people who choose to put Christ at the center
Is making my priorities shift quicker.
Who am I to sing His praise,
And lift up His holy name.
Christ who filled the empty crevices
Deep inside my shallow soul,
Deserves love from someone much more whole.
Each day a new step forward,
A leap of faith,
A fresh start.
Every day I thank God for renewing my horrid heart.

A Battered Soul

Impossible to be cheerful,

with my inner voice constantly giving me an earful.

Others words haunt my every thought,

Teach me more than I ever needed to be taught.

Like the fickleness of a simple human heart,

The way it's better to cut them off before it starts.

A state of numb making a way through my pounding brain,

Will I ever be able to truly live again?

These names-these voices are all I hear.

I would give anything to avoid their sneers.

A constant barrage of mere human invention,

Masked with pure evil intention.

Labels like "worthless" and "cheap" and "crazy" oh my,

When I hear these words something inside me wants to fly.

An incessant repeating of these painful phrases,

Instead of crying out, I start to feel weightless.

"You'll never be anything more" they cry,

Driving me crazy with their staggering lies.

Unable to shake their weight this time,

Maybe it's time to find truth to these claims.

Each line, one stride closer to my inner demise.

The definition of Freedom

What is freedom?
Is it merely a release?
The slow, all encompassing
Removal of the unpleasantries which
Fill the broken pieces of our souls?
Nay, I say freedom is much more
Than the lackadaisical definition
Come to define this complex term.

Freedom is everywhere.
The whispers of a winter breeze
Humming softly through bare trees.
The warmth of sunshine,
Reaching out and melting one's frozen exterior.
Freedom is a bird's first flight,
The way stars twinkle in the night.
Freedom is everything,
It can even be found in you and me.

Grace Despite the Rain

The warm embrace of my Father
Overwhelms the empty crevices of my soul.
When I worship,
I feel a peace everlasting.
Though I become weary,
My mind burdened with the weight of a thousand suns,
When I run to Him a newness restores my spirit.

Now I'm drunk with His grace,
An overflowing ocean of mercy washes over me.
Times are tough, yet my God is enough.
Soaked in His presence,
I can feel His ever present siren call.
"Follow me little one,
You will find solace in the shelter of My arms."

I turn my face to the wind,
Focus on the voice within.
Shake off the worries and the fears,
Walk into my Father's arms and have Him dry my tears.
When I'm invested in Him,
I feel unable to pretend.
The broken pieces of my life sealed closed,
God's love heals the finite pieces of my secret soul.

Seeing Through His Eyes

The flashbacks start and memories beckon.

I need to remember those whom once held my affection.

Memories play through the haze in my brain,

Hurt that stays like a red wine stain.

A past full of pain,

Nothing ever stays the same.

Full of heartache and shame,

I was anxious to start again in a place

Where hopefully I can stay sane. 

A new school where all things change.

Hope blooms and fear grows,

All the while I try to remember this isn't a show.

Smiling faces greet me,

I can't believe the way they treat me-

Like someone who's worthy of being known.

Infectious laughter fills my aching spirit,

Encouraging messages soothe my soul.

These good times are suddenly making me whole.

A thawing evokes an awakening within,

Making me search to Him within.

Looking my eyes unto the holy throne,

I can see how my despair was just a loan.

He stripped me of all just so I could see,

How His beauty reveals a perfect plan for me.

Somber realizations

A tidel wave of good intentions
Covered up the signs he was in need of intervention.
Optimistic spirit, I refused to hear it-
The concerns of my worried friends.
Blinded by pride,
With the past on my side
I decided to give him another try.
Little did I know,
His motives would soon show.
Clear as a new spring sky,
What I discovered was enough to make me cry and stop to ask "why?"
He lived a charade,
Wouldn't stop until I played the same games.
Sad to see such a waste,
Hopefully next time I'll have better taste.

As soon as it ends,
My heart begins to mend.
Life is filled once again to the brim.
A simple decision,
One filled with righteous indignation
An action I pursue with timidity.
I won't lose my identity
For someone who only wants to steal broken pieces of me.
Sorry I didn't fit into your plan.
This time my life is all about God's hand.
No longer lost out at sea,
Refocus is key.
Someday I hope you will meet,
The person I'm choosing to be.

Head vs. Heart

In a battle of head versus heart

It can be hard to figure out where to start.

There is no clear right or wrong,

Help me to realize someone Greater writes my song.

A wave of desire crashes deep,

Joy beckons me to take this leap. 

Hope this time the feeling won't fade,

Maybe it will stay like ice on a cold winter's day.

A soft little whisper

Begs me to consider 

What if it's not worth the risk?

Swallow my pride,

Refuse to ask why

Instead I take this time to enjoy the ride.

Life is all about surprise.

The war wages on,

which road will I travel upon?

Choosing is the hardest part.

For now, I'll listen to my heart.

Misplaced Identity

Sometimes the message God wants you to hear comes from the people you surround yourself with. Lately, I've been struggling with identity and seeing myself through God's eyes. I often feel worthless, weary, and alone. However, my ever-present friends always remind me (without fail) that I am a daughter of the King: loved without abandon and a treasure. 

Whenever I feel my self esteem take a nose-dive, which is often, I turn toward men to establish my worth. I go from depressed to happy in a matter of minutes if a male gives me even the slightest bit of affirmation. 

Then, when he lets me down (because the only one who will NEVER let me down is Jesus) I become sad all over again. The cycle seems to never end. 

But, what if I could end it? Would I choose to? Am I brave enough to release the clutches of my insecurity?

Recently, I've been struggling with these very thoughts. Today, I have my answer. In the midst of talking to my friends about my latest boy problems, they helped me realize my problem: I was turning to the latest him instead of the omnipotent Him. Instead of seeking for my identity in Christ, I chose to place the power of my identity in my latest love interest. It's time for the cycle to end.

One of my dearest friends sent me this text today and it awakened my spirit to a place of understanding. 

"Sometimes God puts temptations in our life to see if we are faithful enough o him to overcome them. 'I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.' Although that may be one of the most said verses, if you truly think about it, it's incredible. I don't want your relationship with God to be ruined because of one stupid, high school boy. Your relationship with God is the only relationship that will ever matter. You don't deserve to feel worthless. You are so incredibly beautiful and God created you in his image so how can you be any less than beautiful?"

I finally got it. In order to feel worthy enough, good enough, whole enough, I must first place my identity in Christ alone. That sounds so cliche, however, it is one of the only truths I am sure of in this life. In order to truly feel whole, Jesus must be at the center of it all. Only He can fill the emptiness that seems overwhelming and all-consuming. If I can break the cycle of misplaced identity, so can you.

Memories Awakening

Memories are the bits and pieces that make up the entirety of who we are.
My memories are constant, sporadic reminders of the remnants of my past,
And the whispers of my present, ever constant ebb of endless joy.
A constant memory creeps among my busy brain.
It causes me to feel sorrow and makes me want to exclaim.
A quiet whisper from somewhere deep in my soul.
"What makes you truly feel alive? Do you know what makes you whole inside?"
The answer is a list, a list of infinite bliss.
Pieces of me, snippets of my soul.
A collection of words, strung together with prose,
Someone who offers me a hand to hold,
Laughter to prevent a day from getting old,
Friends who know every inch of my shame and make me recognize the beauty in my name,
A God whom will always be the same, regardless of any mistakes I might have made.
I am thankful for the whisper's yearnings,
Anxious for a reminder of the things that envelop me,
Awaken the innermost pieces of my inner self.
The parts of me I'm unable to put upon a shelf,
Those fragments of myself impossible to put on hold for someone else.
My memories are the ever-changing melody describing the person I have become.
Memories remind me of the snippets of my soul,
The private interactions which make me feel in sync.
A list, a list of infinite bliss.

Beauty from Ashes

A life full of pain
Unrelenting shame.
Unknowing and afraid,
I took my new place.
Embarked on an adventure
Knowing full well what was at stake.
Never understanding my faith
Why was I always alone
When all I wanted was to be known.
Starting again, making new friends
I thought it all might happen with them
Filling my time with men
So I don't have to think of Him.
If this was the plan,
Why can't I seem to see His hand?
My heart starts to mend,
I can see the sun shining around the bend.
I start to feel complete,
Surrounded with people who accept me.
Talking about faith,
Seeing curiosity start to take place.
I now see why I am running this race
It's so they might one day see His face.
It's an endless chase,
The one leading to eternity's gates.
One day I will see beauty from pain.
Salvation from shame.

Friendship into Words

2012 was one of the most challenging years of my life. It taught me the importance of honesty and how words can easily set you free. Welcome to a snippet of my soul. A peek into the abyss of thoughts and musings bouncing about my head. 

Today I wrote the following piece:

Friendship:

A broken smile unable to heal.

An ironclad heart desperate to feel.

With raw emotions and a lost spirit,

She came to them hoping to conceal it.

All the hurt that she’d been through,

Endless tears shed without the blink of an eye.

An all-encompassing longing for a final goodbye.

They smiled and laughed, not a care in the world.

What would they think of this scared little girl?

Who was desperately seeking friendship and grace,

These expectations always being slapped in her face.

They opened their arms to her with a wide embrace,

Shocking the poor girl who felt out of place.

Never had she known such empathy and love,

Who were these people who refused to give her a shove?

They helped thaw her hurt, and ease her anger,

For once she never felt her heart in danger.

The little girl became a complete stranger,

To herself and all that once knew who she had been.

With these new friends, she need not wear a shield,

For she had slowly begun to heal.

The love they displayed taught her extreme grace,

Now she wears a smile on her face.

No one could recognize the hollow girl she had been,

The ghost-like past a memory she couldn’t mend.

Now when people see her and ask her “What changed?

She points to her friends and says,

“It was they. Their acceptance taught me to finally see,

All the potential placed within me. I never feel out of place

Or a disgrace, and they never fail to put a smile on my face.

I’m entirely grateful for the love I’ve been shown,

Without them, I don’t know how I would’ve grown.”