Reflection Check.

The most humbling feeling accompanies the utter realization that you have become a road block for another person seeking to follow Christ. All to often, we Jesus people try to identify all of the people/things that have "caused us to stumble" without reflecting on ourselves: have I inadvertently caused someone to sin? Is my life a total reflection of Jesus?

It's easy to point our fingers at other people without identifying the ugliness in our own hearts. I am guilty of this-we all are. Over time, it becomes all to easy to allow our own sinful hearts to seep into influencing another individual.

Examples: In a romantic relationship, the result of selfishness often leads to sexual sin and ungodly expectations. In a friendship, the result of selfishness often leads to gossip.

God has been really tugging on my heartstrings lately, to analyze my role in other people's lives. Instead of evaluating how the people I surround myself with are affecting my life; it's time I take a step back and analyze how I am affecting theirs. Once I did this, I was ashamed at what I saw.

So I prayed and immersed myself in His word. And I sought wisdom. And I decided to let some people go.

The loss of a relationship with an individual is excruciating-it provides an emptiness that is gut-wrenching and beyond painful. But sometimes, the pain is necessary. If a relationship is not inherently pleasing to God-in every area-it can produce negative fruit. If I am causing someone to produce negative fruit-how selfish would I be to continue and pursue that relationship with reckless abandon? 

Sometimes we're calling to do the hard thing. And it sucks. But following God's will was never supposed to be easy, and it is often wrought with speed bumps. Take a moment and look at yourself in the mirror: Are you helping those around you pursue a righteous life? Are you surrendering yourself daily to Jesus, and pursuing Godly relationships with His church? 

If you don't like what you see, ask Jesus how He wants you to proceed. Sometimes we become so blinded to His will, and rely solely on our own incompetence. Oh, how much heartbreak we would avoid if we pledged to live lives that reflect His will, and proceeded in total surrender.

I'm praying that God will reveal His will to me clearly. That he would guard my heart in pursuing each and every relationship, and that He would allow my spirit to be a positive influence on others.

Face the mirror for a life of holy freedom. It is our responsibility as believers to hold our brothers and sisters in Christ accountable. Live a life you can be proud of, and if you're causing others to falter, make the selfless decision to let go.

Two Way Street

Lately, I've been reading a lot of books about love. They have been extremely insightful, and taught me a lot about what a healthy relationship rooted in Jesus should look like. I'm not quite sure why I've been fascinated with this subject recently-maybe it's because I'm in a relationship myself, or that new engagements keep popping up on Facebook, or I'm on Pinterest way too much, or simply because I'm a woman and we are hardwired to connect romantically. 

However, though I've been seeking counsel about romantic relationships, I've discovered a lot more about seeking a healthy relationship with Christ than I ever could have imagined. 

I believe that there are many misconceptions within the church about falling in love with Christ. We are taught from the very early days of Sunday school that "For God so loved the world, He gave His one and only son..." (John 3:16) This revelation about God's relentless, merciful love for us is very comforting and TRUE.

But authentic, steadfast love is not a one way street. Love is a call to action. Though it can bring about the feeling of incredible joy, everlasting love requires people to make a constant choice to pursue one another and live unselfishly. Love as a verb is the glue that holds marriages together. It's what I hope to give to my husband one day. 

However, love is also what we are required to show Christ. Jesus loves his children-which means that every single day He never stops choosing to show us grace, mercy, and forgiveness. We are incapable of displaying the perfect love that He offers, however, we can still pursue Him.

So often, we think of Christ's love towards us without acknowledging that in order for us to have a relationship with him, we are required to love Him in return. And this requires us to faithfully pursue Him. Love is an action. It's so easy to become swept up in busyness and forget that there is a Creator that wants to have a loving relationship with His children. A relationship that requires us to take action. 

We have a responsibility to pursue the One who has so dutifully pursued us. How do we expect to have a lasting, authentic relationship with Christ if we are constantly remaining passive? 

A man will dutifully pursue the woman of his desire. In the same way, a woman will emotionally give everything she has to the man of her dreams. How come we so often expect our relationship with Christ to be any different? 

I am so guilty of this, and believe that we all are to a certain extent. Thankfully, Jesus' love is not conditional. He doesn't ever stop relentlessly pursuing His bride even when we ignore Him. But, when we give 100% to Him, and put in the effort to maintain a better relationship with our Creator, He acknowledges and blesses that. 

I challenge you to truly surrender to Jesus, and experiment with giving Him the time and the effort you would give someone with which you were in a romantic relationship. Our human nature will never allow us to love as perfectly as Jesus loves us, but that doesn't mean we have to stop trying. We shouldn't give up on Jesus just because of our inadequacy. Rather, we should pursue Him more so that His perfect plan can be truly revealed through our imperfect lives. 

It's time to show Jesus some love. Authentic love is a two way street.

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

Hope Among the Hills

I wish I could fill the emptiness behind their glassy eyes. I wish I could take duct tape and seal up the crooked cracks weaving mazes interrupting their fragile hearts. I wish I could embrace them by the shoulders and whisper sweet truths of God's goodness. 

So often I am climbing the endless hills on campus, and think those thoughts. I see so many broken spirits here, so many dejected faces. There is a heaviness here. College kids are under a lot of pressure-worldly pressure, parental pressure, self imposed pressure. To do good, be better, succeed.

If only they knew the joy that Christ can bring. If only they knew that He has called them by name.

 I am a caretaker by nature-I am always obsessively meeting others' needs, and wanting to fix every minuscule problem. Sometimes, it can become frustrating to have this nature. It's so apparent that people are looking for MORE, for FULFILLMENT...and yet...I cannot change anyone's mind about who Jesus is, or was.

I can share my testimony, I can pray for completion, I can invite them to walk with me on this new journey. And for now, that has to be enough. I'm learning to let go of my compulsive desire to control every situation. I'm learning to let go, and let God do His job. My generation is not lost.

Keep college students in your prayers. This demographic of people can be so hopeless, and consumed with wandering. But Jesus came to earth to heal the broken, the people enslaved to their own selfishness. He came to provide refuge and safety for the lost.

{God, I pray that you will continue to reveal your presence on this campus. Allow those who follow You to stand firm in their convictions, and reveal your light to others. Provide us with a joy that radiates through every crevice of our sinful souls. I'm believing in Your power, and Your provision.}

"Your faithfulness endures to all generations; you have established the earth and it stands fast." 
Psalm  119:90

More.

Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 5:2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Jesus never promised that this life would be indefinitely easy. Oh, how often in the midst of my human trials do I fail to see His goodness. His will is greater than my mere circumstances.
So often, Christians (myself included) talk about how much joy and love Jesus provides those who trust in Him. And it's true-His love is all consuming, and His joy is boundless. 

But it's not all roses. Sometimes life is hard. Oftentimes putting faith in Jesus makes living this earthly, mundane life even more difficult. 

Following Jesus means constantly making the decision to deny oneself. He endured an immeasurable amount of suffering on our behalf-so that we would become free from sin that ensnares us. Therefore, how arrogant are we to often assume that following Jesus would be effortless. 

Jesus calls us to SURRENDER. He calls us to walk in His blood stained footsteps, and share in His pain. He calls us to trust that His will is sufficient-despite our seemingly overwhelming earthly challenges.

As a result of his all consuming love, He allows those who follow Him to live a life that is full of MORE. more life. more joy. more love. more peace. more faith. and even more pain. 

Jesus doesn't give us trials as punishment. He sees our insufficiencies, and promises to never give His people more hardships than they can possibly bear. But we were not called to follow, and leading requires making sacrifices. Jesus promises if we live resting in His truths, trusting in His will in the midst of our ever present weaknesses-that He will clothe us in strength. 

2 Corinthians 12:10 "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Everyday, I am learning to trust in His will, and rejoice in the midst of daily trials. Jesus is inherently GOOD, therefore, His plans for us are ultimately perfect. When we are standing in the presence of Christ, stripped of all our earthly pleasures, He will smile and praise us for our endurance. 

Jesus is greater. 

Jesus helps us live a life of MORE. 

Trials don't have to be defeating. 

Valleys.

Tonight, at Young Life, we talked about valleys-which is ironic considering I literally live in the middle of a mountain range, and am completely surrounded by them.

This message tugged on my heartstrings, and reminded me of the ways Jesus has revealed Himself to me over the past few weeks. Let me share with you a little piece of my journey.
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I've been praying that God would provide a community for me here in Boone. My soul craves accountability and companionship. I love being around people, and have been relentlessly praying for a solid group of friends who possess my similar values. For weeks, I have been trying to get involved with on campus ministries and various clubs, meeting some incredible individuals. I have truly met some of my best friends here in Boone, and yet I still wanted more. I continued praying for a large group of people I could connect with on multiple levels.

Soon, I found myself stuck trudging through the valley.

As I kept praying, kept seeking God's will for my life-I noticed a shift. Some of the relationships I had established early in the semester started dwindling, exams were occurring, and one day, I found myself in the hospital. In that moment, my feelings of loneliness were all consuming. As I was hooked up to IV fluids, and the doctors started prepping me for the emergency surgery, I kept praying. I had made the commitment to go on a weekend retreat with Cru, a Christian organization, and I knew that this trip could help me establish the community for which I desperately prayed.

I recall tears streaming down my face, holding onto a sliver of hope that my complicated symptoms were the result of something other than appendicitis. After persuading the doctor to let me stay in a hotel with my mother for the night, instead of in an uncomfortable hospital bed, I reluctantly promised to come back to get more tests done the next morning. I felt dejected. Why had God allowed this trial? Did He not want to allow me to find the community I so craved?

How wrong I was in doubting His faithfulness.

The next morning, I miraculously awoke symptom free. The pain I was experiencing was not caused by appendicitis. I could hardly contain my awe at how my symptoms ceased. I was able to go on the Cru retreat this past weekend, and can honestly say that it was the defining moment of my college career thus far.

We laughed, sang about God, learned about Jesus, played games, and saw shooting stars. I made some incredible relationships with people, and now feel like I have a welcoming community. Everyone I met on that trip embraced me just as I am. I felt whole.

Jesus is so faithful. He provides exactly what we need in His perfect timing. Oh how easy it is to feel abandoned by God when we don't get something that we think we need at the exact moment we desire it. But He hears our every whispered thought and plea. Jesus is so much greater, and more wonderful than our perception of Him.

Oftentimes, He takes us through valleys before leading us to the mountaintops-a manifestation of His beauty. But He is ever present.

I prayed for a community for the past seven weeks, and He allowed me to find it.

Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

The Power of Positivity

"Take time to smell the roses." "It's the little things in life..." "Don't sweat the small stuff." 

How often do I really take the time to focus my energies into identifying something positive about my day? It is so much easier to focus on the challenges and difficulties facing each day than to remain optimistic and maintain a positive outlook on life. 

A few days ago, I broke my right foot. It was devastating. I'm not trying to be melodramatic or overly emotional about this experience-I was truly heartbroken. I go to school nestled in the Appalachian Mountains, therefore, I must climb hills constantly in order to attend classes and find food to eat. Therefore, with each day I must brace myself for excruciating pain in order to succeed as a student. The loss of the functioning of my right foot means that I am not able to drive for six weeks. I had so many hikes and excursions planned over the next few weeks, and instead, I will be extremely limited in my outdoor abilities. 

After finding out that I would have to wear a walking boot for six weeks, and maintain several months of physical therapy, I displayed an entirely pessimistic attitude. I allowed my broken foot to consume my every waking thought, and refused to see the good in any situation. I allowed myself a few days of misery, only to discover that the negativity was getting me nowhere. I soon realized that having an ungrateful attitude about my circumstances would not change the fact my situation is what it is. Having a negative outlook only made me more unhappy, and made my friends uncomfortable.

So I decided to do an experiment-I would spend one day identifying every little piece of happiness that I could find. A single twenty-four hour day full of little triumphs and blessings. This changed everything. Immediately, I found that when I made a conscious effort to maintain positive thinking, finding the good in my unfortunate situation seemed feasible. In fact, my foot seemed to bring less pain and discomfort when my identity was not wrapped up in my uncomfortable circumstance. The day was full of so much joy, and identifying my blessings only highlighted my happiness. 

My experiment taught me that I must not focus on my struggles. Instead, I must make a decided effort to uncover little moments of joy nestled at the heart of each day. My struggle (the broken foot) has taught me the most amazing lesson in the importance of optimism. Joy lies behind every discomfort, but in order to find this treasure, we must open ourselves to optimism. It would be so much easier to allow ourselves to overtaken by pessimism because life is oftentimes difficult. However, in the midst of immense pain, joy can always be obtained. Our amount of joyfulness is directly proportional to the amount of time we spend attempting to identify our blessings. 

Don't believe me? Try it for yourself. Become open to the prospect of optimistic thinking, and learn to identify your own blessings. (Having trouble getting started? Just having access to this post means that you are fortunate enough to live in an area where technology is easily accessible...)  

Acceptance.

One of my favorite aspects about the small town of Boone, North Carolina and Appalachian State University as a whole, is the over abundance of creativity found in the crevices of everyday life. At any moment of the day, one could walk by a humble musician strumming a guitar, or a photographer attempting to capture a beautiful moment in a single snapshot. Even the way people dress here reflects artwork. Looking around the quad on a sunny day, I am met with glances from strangers with original tattoos, colored hair, eclectic outfits, and confident attitudes.

What might be surprising to you, is that even the people who don't fit this "artsy" mold are surprisingly accepting of others. In the short time I've been a student here, I have become accustomed to preppy, fraternity members associating with people who are the complete opposite of them-outdoor enthusiasts with a free spirited, artistic nature. I've seen members of the homosexual community shown so much love by members of the campus' Christian community. I've seen athletes showing kindness to freshman girls. I've seen individuals celebrated for their authenticity. I've seen students hold the doors for others, and smile at passersby. At Appalachian State, there is no such thing as race or gender barriers. There is a place for everyone, there is an overwhelmingly refreshing opportunity to become exactly whom you were meant to be.

Being in this community has given me the incredible opportunity to grow and reflect upon the individual I hope to become in my short four years here. The acceptance among this melting pot of a college has given me an amazing portrayal of the way heaven will be like one day. Jesus delights in each one of His children. He wants us to come to him exactly as we are-for we are ALL made in His image. 

The Church body here is an incredible example of loving acceptance of all individuals. There are people involved in the Christian community from every walk of life, who dress every way imaginable, and who have all different interests. Yet, everyone is celebrated for who they are as individuals. This experience has been incredible new for me, and is something I truly cherish with my whole hart. In many Christian communities, it is difficult for someone to become involved if he or she does not fit a certain mold. Yet, Jesus never organized boundaries for His people! "For we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." The acceptance prevalent on this college campus should be equally, if not more prevalent in the Christian church. 

I challenge all my readers to re-evaluate what you except. Are you showing God's love to ALL people-or just the types of people who most clearly resemble yourself? If you're hoping to live like Jesus, that includes showing His love to everyone, from all walks of life. Dare to take a step out of your own shell, as comfortable as it may be, and show acceptance to someone who has the tenacity to live life differently.

Better Put Your Armor On.

My first week at college has been a whirlwind...to say the least. The busyness of college can be quite overwhelming at times, but I can truly say that I am having the most amazing time up in the Appalachian mountains. God has given me some incredible friends, and I'm blessed to have a network of quality people surrounding me at all times.

However, I did not start this post to talk about how awesome college has been for the past week. I want to discuss spiritual warfare. 

In the past, alcohol has been a major temptation for me. In fact, it's incredibly embarrassing to even admit that in print, because so often I've been in denial about just how much of a battle it's been during my high school years. I surrounded myself with "good people" who did the "right" things, but still chose to go out and party on the weekends. This past summer, God has been working in my life in a supernatural way. I decided to give up drinking for the entire duration of my freshman year of college. 

Talk about a major life change. 

Since I've made that decision, I've felt a wave of peace overwhelm my soul. I've gone to parties, but for the first time, did not feel guilty about my actions. Without alcohol, I can be the fullest extent of my truest self. Yes, I still go to parties. Yes, I still have many friends who drink. 

By making that decision, I have chosen to die to my sinful desires, and embrace the person that God created me to become. However, what God intends to use for good, the enemy wants to use to bring about our destruction. After making this decision to forgo alcohol, I have found myself in the midst of intense spiritual warfare. Last night, I was reading scripture late at night when my roommate was sound asleep. I immediately heard noises that sounded like growling, and saw cabinets opening up on its own. I knew that the enemy was trying to use fear to forbid me from pursuing the Lord at 2am on a Wednesday night, in my college dorm room. 

Several of my other Christian friends have decided not to drink in college as well, and in turn, have been facing spiritual warfare. Spiritual warfare can take on many forms-it may cause you to be feeling an overwhelming heaviness or loneliness or sadness. It may be that you just simply have lost all energy to get out of bed every day. It may be that you feel like no matter what choices you make, it's always the wrong one. The enemy is alive and well. It's easy to simply forget that we are living in a battlefield, and choose to make other things a priority instead of Jesus. It's incredibly overwhelming to try and adjust to living in a new environment, hard classes, and making all new friends. But Jesus wants us to rely on Him first and foremost. He is our strength and shield during this transition time. 

In a strange way, I am grateful for the spiritual warfare I have been facing, because it is a constant reminder that I am making the enemy even more mad by following Christ. I am confident that God is moving here at Appalachian State. Every day, I am reminded of His faithfulness, and His grace. But we all must keep our spiritual armor on at all times. Pray for those undergoing dark times. Bathe yourselves in His scriptural promises. Soak in His glory. 

Ephesians 6:12-13: For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.

His Grace Abounding.

His grace abounding so that our hopes may remain secure.

His love and mercy slowly filling the cracks in my damaged soul.

Blanketing me with favor, and covering my every disgrace,

I am slowly learning what it means to seek His face.

How can His great love be enough to fill every part of me-

Even the empty spaces that no one could ever see?

I'll never know,

I'll never understand.

I simply choose to rest with assurance of His good and faithful plan.

"But sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death and that's the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life-a life that goes on and on and on, a world without end."

Romans 5:20-21 (Message version) 

LOVE-A Redemption Story

I'm going to admit something very embarrassing: I have had a selfish year. I have allowed the chaos of college applications, the pursuit of pleasure, many shallow relationships, and excessive planning to create distance between myself and Christ. Throughout my senior year, maintaining a relationship with God seemed to be the most difficult factor to juggle-despite retaking the SAT, maintaining straight A's, having a boyfriend,  multiple social commitments, touring colleges, and avoiding senioritis to completely interfere with graduation. 

But little did I know that God was going to radically change my priorities this summer. 

This past week was Love Week at Elevation Church. Love Week is a seven day period where members of the church family are called to sacrifice their time and energy in order to serve the community in big ways. Whether it be serving an hour, or giving up an entire day, we are encouraged to step out of our comfort zones and represent Jesus to those less fortunate. While I was extremely busy with the chaos of preparing for my first year away at college, I still felt a prompting to sign up for as many events as I possibly could. For the first time in a year, I was going to volunteer and become an active member of my church community. 

So it began. I had the privilege to serve with Urban Promise Ministries, Common Heart Ministries, and Blessed Assurance Ministries. At each and every place I went, God used at least one person to touch my life, and melt the ice that had begun to build up around my selfish heart. Whether it was laughing with my two Hispanic friends Charlotte and Jasmine (aged 6 and 7), gently reminding a woman with Alzheimer's that she was loved, or allowing a fellow volunteer (Austin-aged 5) to help me repair a wall; I felt a sense of fulfillment for the first time in a very long time. 

Brimming with joy from volunteering, I attended Elevation Worship's live recording event at Time Warner Cable Arena. While I knew the music would be unbelievable, I had no idea the extent to which it would affect my soul. As the musicians were singing about letting God work in our lives, and fully relying on him-I made an unshakable decision. 

I realized that it's time for me to let go, and let God lead my life. As I prepare to enter my college years, I'm determined to become the woman He has molded me to become. Instead of living in selfishness, I want to make decisions following the promptings Christ lays on my heart. I began to question every decision I made-braced with the prospect of Who is the Katy God wants me to be?

It's still incredible to me that God can use an event like Love Week to change my life in such a magnanimous way. By simply serving others, I learned how much more satisfying it is to openly serve Christ as opposed to singlehandedly serving myself. As a result, I'm no longer afraid to step onto my college campus. In fact, I feel more joy and a significant increase of peacefulness regarding my future. By stepping back and allowing God to lead me on this journey through life, I feel a kind of satisfaction and fulfillment that only comes from the freedom that He offers. I now plan on making my relationship with Christ a top priority in my life. His opinion is significantly greater than mine own. 

Through Love Week, I was not only able to bless others, but God truly blessed me by the redemption that He offers. The amazing thing is, He forgives my sin and loves me in spite of my selfishness. In loving others, I've been set free. 

Rising Above the Marriage Standard.

Recently, I have found myself fascinated with weddings. Perhaps it is because a childhood friend shall become a bride in a matter of days, or perhaps it is because I am nearing the age when every woman gets that "marriage itch." Whatever the case may be, I love watching wedding videos.

Yesterday, I was watching the wedding video of a bride that I knew from childhood. It was an absolutely beautiful ceremony, and it was evident that the young couple loved Jesus first and foremost. It was so beautiful that it made me start to think about the flawed way society tries to taint the idea of a "marriage" or "relationship." The raw display of love between this man and this woman, that's what young women should be striving for. Instead, we are taught to seek "Prince Charming" or "Superman." The main qualities these two icons possess is that they're, well, Charming and Super. A marriage cannot stand on these two superficial qualities. In the same way, women are constantly bombarded through various media outlets with the message that one of the most important qualities to seek in a man lies with his sexual performance in the bedroom.

Now, I'm not saying that little girls shouldn't be read bedtime fairy tales or allowed to watch the latest superhero flick. I'm not saying that women and men shouldn't be sexually attracted to one another. I'm merely suggesting that women be taught to strive for depth in their relationships, and encouraged to seek individuals with superior character. 

As women, we should be seeking dynamic relationships that allow us to become the individuals we were created to become. Most importantly, as Christ followers, we should be seeking relationships that reflect His love for the church, and meet His standards. We should pursue relationships with a man that displays qualities such as a hard working nature, passion, kindness, an encouraging spirit, motivated...the list goes on and on. 

I struggle with this truth every single day. It's hard to seek depth in relationships at such a young, wild time in one's life. But my challenge towards myself, and every other college aged woman I know, is to strive for MORE. We don't have to settle for superficiality, despite the lies that society thrusts upon us. We can, and should, hold out for the best. (Not perfection, for no one is without fault. Just someone with significance.) For how are we ever going to rise above the devastating divorce epidemic if we don't strive to marry men who possess the qualities necessary to uphold a long lasting, Godly relationship? 

As women, we don't have to settle for less than we deserve. God has a carefully selected, incredible individual picked out for each of us, but we have to be willing to seek meaningful relationships in order to find him.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

Relinquishing Control

I'm sorry for crowding my blog with all of the melodramatic "awakenings" that I've been posting recently...but I simply cannot help but share how God has been shaping my life over the past few months. It's as if I've finally woken up from a blinding fog which caused me to constantly lower my personal standards, and settle into an identity which was never meant to be my own.

I have spent the past year trying to become the woman who had everything under control, and as a result, I became reluctant to accept the fact that God has a perfect plan for my life that is better than anything I could ever create myself. I have been saddled by so much anxiety over the future, that I constantly squandered the gift of the present. I allowed myself to be manipulated in various relationships instead of focusing on developing my few precious passions. I lost sight of who I truly was at the core of my being, because I was trying to do everything on my own. 

Yet, over the past few months, a gradual change has taken place in my life. My soul is at peace knowing that God has my future in his very capable hands. He knows what my next chapter will look like. He has hand selected my journey. He shaped me into the woman I am today, and loves me just the way I am-mistakes and all. So why did I ever doubt His faithfulness? How could I have allowed myself to become so burdened by the future, instead of focusing on His promise to have everything under control? Lastly, how could I have considered myself so unworthy as to have surrounded myself with people who only have selfish intentions?

The answer: I am human. I am extremely flawed, and He is merciful. God knows the bumps we will encounter along our journey long before we encounter them. He has created a set direction for our lives before we have even been conceived. He anticipates our failures, and yet loves us in spite of our brokenness. He is faithful, and wants us to seek refuge in Him. As I re-learn these simple truths, I am able to take a step back and relax. God should be the only guiding force in my life helping me navigate my way through young adulthood. Only He knows the direction I am headed in, and only He is capable of having complete control. 

Believing these significant truths have helped shape my inner being, and allowed me to see God's hand over my life. He is slowly revealing pieces of His perfect plan for my life, and it is unbelievably exciting. He is shaping me into the woman I have always wanted to become-confident in His direction for my life, filled with an inner joy, and blessed with meaningful relationships. 

We will all face many regrets in our lifetimes. At some point in our lives, each of us will reflect over a period of time in which we fought various battles on our own instead of giving them to God. But I'm learning that it's okay to mess up sometimes. It's okay to give yourself room to breathe. It's okay to lose focus, and need to ask God for direction. He is faithful. He is patient beyond measure. And He wants to reveal His perfect plan to each and every one of us, if we will only give him the opportunity to take control of our lives. 

Hand over the steering wheel sometimes, and learn to relax in the passenger seat. Life is a journey-and I'm learning to enjoy the ride.

Loneliness. (Not the bad kind)

Recently, I've begun discovering that it is okay to be alone. I find no greater joy than when I'm listening to Lana del Rey and wracking my brain for inspiration in order to continue writing my latest novel. I am learning that there are seasons of life when we are not meant to be with someone else.

Sometimes it takes being alone to realize the depths of who you really are.

I used to fear loneliness. I used to run from it with every fiber of my being, constantly craving the presence of another individual to help me escape from the messy parts of myself. Instead of developing my own identity, I belonged to whatever person was around me at that moment.

But not anymore. I have made peace with every bit of myself. I have finally given myself a very precious gift: TIME. I am capturing every moment, and utilizing it. I am discovering what makes me happy, and refusing to waste any second of life on people and things that make me sad. I am captivated by the very idea that I am learning the art of selfishness-not to the extent that others are hurt, simply because being selfish is so important sometimes in order to satisfy one's soul.

It's okay to be alone.

creative vibes

There is no greater beauty than in creating a representation of one's soul.
through the magic of brushstrokes, and the flowing ink of a pen.
through photographs which capture each precious moment.
through dancing-the freedom of expression through fluid body movement.
through the melodious notes erupting from various instruments.
through words-the glorious composition of ideas formulated from simple synonyms.

For in one's creativity lies pieces of their inner self.
Crafting beauty out of simplicity provokes a vulnerability amongst people,
Gives each person something to rely on and offers a beacon of hope.
For it is the creative soul which instigates progress and reveals beauty.
Life is rich for those bold enough to fully embrace it,
Squeeze the marrow out of it,
The ones who C R E A T E.

The Pursuit of LIFE

Slowly picking up the pieces of the life I so freely abandoned.

Trying to rebuild valuable friendships and establish myself as a better friend in return. 

Spending my time developing my artistic endeavors,

Continuing to write, and allow my voice to be heard.

Learning to ignore the urge to let love define me-

I am significant, and I am an individual first. 

Losing myself in the pursuit of adventure, 

Making memories I won't soon forget.

After 10 months of ignoring myself,

I'm determined to re-discover what it means to live. 

Moments.

The pity is the worst part. The selfish looks surveying your entire body, seemingly looking into the essence of your soul. The loneliness is awful too. The gut wrenching realization that after so long, here you are once again, forced to face the same God-awful reflection in the mirror. The sudden awareness after the shock fades that you are once again the same person you once were, equipped with the same insecurities and fighting the same battles. 

Does that first paragraph seem bombastic? Filled to the brim with hyperbole? Let me rewind.

It's easy to forget who you are in the arms of another. It's so incredibly simple that people fantasize about it-they even romanticize the idea of placing their identity in the hands of another. But in the end, when the butterflies are gone and the bickering remains, it becomes trying to put on another's face each day. Because who have you become when your identity is wrapped in someone else? Where have your passions, hopes, fears and dreams fled? How does the person in your reflection compare to the individual you have become? 

And then it's all over-just like that. All the late night phone calls, adventures, and day dreaming. All of the time spent consumed with one another seems to vanish in a flash, and the person who left you breathless is no more than a memory. You are each individual people again and that adjustment seems a lot harder than necessary. 

The recovery. That's what I was referring to at the beginning. The stage of your life after something amazing ends when your heart is preparing space for a new wonder to occur. A new person to make you feel special, beautiful, and loved. 

The moment where you realize that you aren't alone is the very best. That moment when you feel your toes tingle for the first time in months, and your soul rejoices with reckless abandon. The moment it hits you for the first time that you are free. You are able to spread your wings and enjoy life to the very fullest, for one day it will all be taken away. The loneliness you feel isn't such a burden anymore, now it is a very precious gift. 

Life's too short to be wasted. Embrace every season, every roller coaster ride. Fall in love. Experience heartbreak. Lust. Let every inch of your being be filled with gratitude for times of change. Let yourself live. 

riddles from the heart.

we were laughing together,
experiencing life to the fullest.
it was 7:00 in a mexican restaurant,
when i realized i could become drunk on the sound of your joy.
and i never want to fall asleep without hearing your voice.
no matter what life throws our way,
i cannot imagine falling asleep next to any other face.

hope rays and lover's days

the beginning of our story was average, even mundane.
a boy and girl laughing and joking-no one ever expected it to turn out this way.
and now i'll never be the same.
as feelings grew, so my heart began experience love anew.
i never thought it could be you-
but now i'm sure it was meant to be you.
a single glance, a twinkle in your eye,
still can't believe that love-struck look is directed into mine.
your shoulder there to hold me while i cry,
you've never been afraid of my tendency to lie-
about how i'm truly feeling and why i'm really reeling.
you've soothed the solid parts of my soul.
and though we aren't that old,
ours is a story that is meant to be told.
it was once hard to even imagine a happily ever after,
now i'm drunk on the sound of your laughter.

Cliffside.

A girl stands on the edge,
A cliff presents here with two choices: jump or fall back.
Jump into the unknown,
Take a risk and allow herself to fall victim to surrender.
Or fall back, into the comfortable echoes of the familiar.
With the ladder choice looking like the better option,
She considers all that she has overcome to get to this very cliff.
The trials she's endured.
All leading up to this very moment,
This very predicament that has her stomach twisted into knots.
Suddenly-a wind whooshes through her hair,
Almost making the choice for her by pushing her closer to the edge.
What is life if not composed of risks?
What is a life filled with mundane days,
No sense of spontaneity, of adventure?
What is life if she chooses to feel secure,
And take one step backwards towards the past.
With this notion, she steadies herself.
Points her face firmly towards the open expanse of sky,
Smiling like a silly little girl about to get into trouble.
One foot off the edge, and she feels unsure.
How does she know that if she brings the other foot to its companion,
Her very existence wouldn't come to an end?
How does she know that if she jumps, she won't plunge into oblivion?
For she doesn't.
There is sheer beauty in that kind of palpable fear and excitement.
She spreads her wings like a bird,
And slowly, slowly,
Begins to fly.

Choices

Growing up and becoming an adult, one always has choices to make. A choice whether to trust someone or be filled with doubt. Choices to go out with friends or stay home by oneself. A choice to fall in love or guard your heart.

Very rarely do we catch a glimpse as to What Might Have Been had certain decisions not been made. Today, I was fortunate enough to become enveloped with my past. I saw former friends and lovers. I walked the same hallways which shaped the person I have become. I mingled with trusting adults who are anxious as to uncover the inner workings of my soul. 

And I wondered. 

It left me breathless-curious as to what my future might have become had I not made the one (seemingly) simple decision during my junior year to change high schools. 

Choices have consequences, but we often choose to ignore them. We like to bury our head in the present instead of mulling over the past. Today, I was not given that option. For the first time, it feels as if my past is finally becoming interspersed with my present future. 

Therefore, I head you with a warning: choose wisely. One decision could have irreparable consequences, it could leave you with a different future. For one choice could reshape your tomorrow. 

heartsong.

Three little birdies,

Tucked in so tight.

Mama doesn't know their plight,

But she diligently prepares them for flight.

A stretch of their wings,

The birdies begin to sing.

Each song has its own particular ring.

A tune to help them find their king,

A hawk or blue jay or sparrow it will be.

These little birdies will become in sync,

And find out what it means to cling.

But despite their joy and fate,

Each bird will remember their mama's face.

Though the little birds will leave their nest,

Each one deserves a rest,

And will always return to the one who knows them best.  

 

headaches

suffocated by these walls,

robbing me of the joy i feel in all.

i can't explain away,

the heartache i constantly feel to this day. 

ready to leave, please don't ask me to stay.

i'm so tired of feeling this way.

try to trap me by time, 

the clock is constantly ticking.

no amount of control can curb this new itching. 

a dedication to life,

i can't wait to soar. 

stretch my wings and simply explore. 

i constantly feel a sense of wanting more.

therefore, the attempts to pull the strings,

are as silly as they seem. 

for in my power holds the key:

i can always leave-

the older i become, the more i want to be just me.

my head, my head
oh how it aches.
i long for silence, and crave my space.

Nighttime Plea

In the dark of night,

When the quiet settles in:

That's when the darkness begins.

Thoughts and insecurities in a whirlwind,

My head begins to spin and 

All I want is for this nightmare to end.

Seeking solace and prayer

I silently beg for a reminder he's still there-

The boy God loved me enough to share,

Kindly reminds me of my Father's care.

And begs me to become aware,

Of the people surrounding me

Who lovingly beg me not to despair.

His dutiful deed and hopeful plea,

Help me fight strength in the light.

Though I may be weak,

God's guidance I shall seek.

To somehow beat

The oppressive dark of night.