Somber realizations

A tidel wave of good intentions
Covered up the signs he was in need of intervention.
Optimistic spirit, I refused to hear it-
The concerns of my worried friends.
Blinded by pride,
With the past on my side
I decided to give him another try.
Little did I know,
His motives would soon show.
Clear as a new spring sky,
What I discovered was enough to make me cry and stop to ask "why?"
He lived a charade,
Wouldn't stop until I played the same games.
Sad to see such a waste,
Hopefully next time I'll have better taste.

As soon as it ends,
My heart begins to mend.
Life is filled once again to the brim.
A simple decision,
One filled with righteous indignation
An action I pursue with timidity.
I won't lose my identity
For someone who only wants to steal broken pieces of me.
Sorry I didn't fit into your plan.
This time my life is all about God's hand.
No longer lost out at sea,
Refocus is key.
Someday I hope you will meet,
The person I'm choosing to be.

Head vs. Heart

In a battle of head versus heart

It can be hard to figure out where to start.

There is no clear right or wrong,

Help me to realize someone Greater writes my song.

A wave of desire crashes deep,

Joy beckons me to take this leap. 

Hope this time the feeling won't fade,

Maybe it will stay like ice on a cold winter's day.

A soft little whisper

Begs me to consider 

What if it's not worth the risk?

Swallow my pride,

Refuse to ask why

Instead I take this time to enjoy the ride.

Life is all about surprise.

The war wages on,

which road will I travel upon?

Choosing is the hardest part.

For now, I'll listen to my heart.

Misplaced Identity

Sometimes the message God wants you to hear comes from the people you surround yourself with. Lately, I've been struggling with identity and seeing myself through God's eyes. I often feel worthless, weary, and alone. However, my ever-present friends always remind me (without fail) that I am a daughter of the King: loved without abandon and a treasure. 

Whenever I feel my self esteem take a nose-dive, which is often, I turn toward men to establish my worth. I go from depressed to happy in a matter of minutes if a male gives me even the slightest bit of affirmation. 

Then, when he lets me down (because the only one who will NEVER let me down is Jesus) I become sad all over again. The cycle seems to never end. 

But, what if I could end it? Would I choose to? Am I brave enough to release the clutches of my insecurity?

Recently, I've been struggling with these very thoughts. Today, I have my answer. In the midst of talking to my friends about my latest boy problems, they helped me realize my problem: I was turning to the latest him instead of the omnipotent Him. Instead of seeking for my identity in Christ, I chose to place the power of my identity in my latest love interest. It's time for the cycle to end.

One of my dearest friends sent me this text today and it awakened my spirit to a place of understanding. 

"Sometimes God puts temptations in our life to see if we are faithful enough o him to overcome them. 'I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.' Although that may be one of the most said verses, if you truly think about it, it's incredible. I don't want your relationship with God to be ruined because of one stupid, high school boy. Your relationship with God is the only relationship that will ever matter. You don't deserve to feel worthless. You are so incredibly beautiful and God created you in his image so how can you be any less than beautiful?"

I finally got it. In order to feel worthy enough, good enough, whole enough, I must first place my identity in Christ alone. That sounds so cliche, however, it is one of the only truths I am sure of in this life. In order to truly feel whole, Jesus must be at the center of it all. Only He can fill the emptiness that seems overwhelming and all-consuming. If I can break the cycle of misplaced identity, so can you.

Memories Awakening

Memories are the bits and pieces that make up the entirety of who we are.
My memories are constant, sporadic reminders of the remnants of my past,
And the whispers of my present, ever constant ebb of endless joy.
A constant memory creeps among my busy brain.
It causes me to feel sorrow and makes me want to exclaim.
A quiet whisper from somewhere deep in my soul.
"What makes you truly feel alive? Do you know what makes you whole inside?"
The answer is a list, a list of infinite bliss.
Pieces of me, snippets of my soul.
A collection of words, strung together with prose,
Someone who offers me a hand to hold,
Laughter to prevent a day from getting old,
Friends who know every inch of my shame and make me recognize the beauty in my name,
A God whom will always be the same, regardless of any mistakes I might have made.
I am thankful for the whisper's yearnings,
Anxious for a reminder of the things that envelop me,
Awaken the innermost pieces of my inner self.
The parts of me I'm unable to put upon a shelf,
Those fragments of myself impossible to put on hold for someone else.
My memories are the ever-changing melody describing the person I have become.
Memories remind me of the snippets of my soul,
The private interactions which make me feel in sync.
A list, a list of infinite bliss.

Beauty from Ashes

A life full of pain
Unrelenting shame.
Unknowing and afraid,
I took my new place.
Embarked on an adventure
Knowing full well what was at stake.
Never understanding my faith
Why was I always alone
When all I wanted was to be known.
Starting again, making new friends
I thought it all might happen with them
Filling my time with men
So I don't have to think of Him.
If this was the plan,
Why can't I seem to see His hand?
My heart starts to mend,
I can see the sun shining around the bend.
I start to feel complete,
Surrounded with people who accept me.
Talking about faith,
Seeing curiosity start to take place.
I now see why I am running this race
It's so they might one day see His face.
It's an endless chase,
The one leading to eternity's gates.
One day I will see beauty from pain.
Salvation from shame.

Friendship into Words

2012 was one of the most challenging years of my life. It taught me the importance of honesty and how words can easily set you free. Welcome to a snippet of my soul. A peek into the abyss of thoughts and musings bouncing about my head. 

Today I wrote the following piece:

Friendship:

A broken smile unable to heal.

An ironclad heart desperate to feel.

With raw emotions and a lost spirit,

She came to them hoping to conceal it.

All the hurt that she’d been through,

Endless tears shed without the blink of an eye.

An all-encompassing longing for a final goodbye.

They smiled and laughed, not a care in the world.

What would they think of this scared little girl?

Who was desperately seeking friendship and grace,

These expectations always being slapped in her face.

They opened their arms to her with a wide embrace,

Shocking the poor girl who felt out of place.

Never had she known such empathy and love,

Who were these people who refused to give her a shove?

They helped thaw her hurt, and ease her anger,

For once she never felt her heart in danger.

The little girl became a complete stranger,

To herself and all that once knew who she had been.

With these new friends, she need not wear a shield,

For she had slowly begun to heal.

The love they displayed taught her extreme grace,

Now she wears a smile on her face.

No one could recognize the hollow girl she had been,

The ghost-like past a memory she couldn’t mend.

Now when people see her and ask her “What changed?

She points to her friends and says,

“It was they. Their acceptance taught me to finally see,

All the potential placed within me. I never feel out of place

Or a disgrace, and they never fail to put a smile on my face.

I’m entirely grateful for the love I’ve been shown,

Without them, I don’t know how I would’ve grown.”