Nostalgia and Discontent

I have always seemed discontented. I rushed around as a little girl, in frilly pink dresses, dreaming about the day I would start high school. I would dreamily hold hands with my pretend "boyfriend" and long for my first kiss. As a five, six, seven, eight year old with an active imagination; I would practice graduating high school and waltz down the wedding aisle.

As my senior year continues to unfold, I find myself wanting, more than anything, to be that bright-eyed baby girl again. Oh how I wish I could stop the incessant ticking of my life clock. Children spend so long trying to grow up, sometimes they forget to be kids for a little while. Now, I find myself regressing into childish behaviors: watching Disney movies, sleeping with a night light, and cuddling with my favorite stuffed animal. It's exciting to ponder the possibilities of my future, but I still find myself wanting to just freeze today.

If I could go back and tell my childish self any piece of advice, it would be this: live in the moment. Enjoy each day as it comes. Cherish the bedtime stories momma reads to you every night. Rejoice in the feeling of the wind in your hair as you swing higher and higher on a swing set. Keep playing pretend for as long as you can, because one day, your imagination simply runs out. Remember to count your blessings each time your parents dress you up for church and parade you around like a porcelain china doll. Never fail to embrace your youth.

Today, I will allow myself the freedom to pursue the road of nostalgia. I will remember. Even though I cannot permanently stop time, I will enjoy the beauty of yesterday. My senior year may be constantly moving forward, I will allow myself to sneak quick glimpses backwards whenever I feel the urge to remember the days where life was simple, and I was carefree.

Strong.

Strong. To me, this simple word is more than just five characters. In my life, “strong” is a state of mind, an impetus to keep moving forward even when everything seems to fall apart.

I was thirteen years old when my friend Buli Mia corrupted me. She became essential to my identity, an unrelenting force. Buli whispered lies of inadequacy into my heart and gripped my soul with her iron fist. Pretty soon, she invited Ana Rexia to assist in her conquest. Every aspect of my life was dictated by their desires. Calories were our worst enemy, even more so than mirrors.

Years later, I awoke pale and fragile. My skin was sallow and my heart broken. Kicking and screaming, my loving mother dragged me to the doctor, whom she hoped would send me a wake up call. I was told I would die if Ana and Buli did not leave me alone. The weight of my friends’ destruction hit me like a tidal wave. I realized just how broken and lost I truly had become. I was a  broken, beautiful soul.

Miserable and alone, I willed my friends to leave me alone. I could not bear the weight of their subtle ploys any longer. I could not face my sin with a smile. Curled in a fetal position on my massive bed, feeling my protruding bones, I made a decision. I would no longer let Ana and Buli into my life. I would try my hardest to shut out their sweet whispers of desire. I would stand firmly in the truths of who I am, and refuse to stop fighting until I had gained every ounce of my broken identity back. I would never let the lies of others dictate whom I had become.

Now, I am determined to never allow these enemies into my life. Every day is a struggle, every meal a miracle. But I will celebrate each individual triumph. I have “strong” permanently inked into my skin as a representation of what I have overcome. Whenever obstacles stand in my way, I remember my resolution made in the wake of my sinful self. I will stand strong, suck the marrow out of life, and allow freedom access into my soul. I will win.

Always

Will my soul always feel this flighty,
Like a bird which yearns to be set free.
A wandering girl searching for purpose in the wind?
Will I always like to wonder,
Entice my mind with snippets of knowledge?
Will I always crave adventure,
Run towards it at a dizzying speed and
Embrace it, clutch it, taste it.
Will I always have this desire,
A hot flame gnawing at the purest parts of me,
Ensuing forbidden thoughts that no one else can see?
Will I always have a fear,
Fear of never fitting in.
Fear of missing out.
Fear of spiraling down.
Will I always have this need,
A dark, empty hole scorching the inner piece of me?
Will I always turns to
I will always.
I will always be drunk off the sound of my own laughter.
I will always love the feeling of the wind through my hair.
I will always run through fields with reckless abandon.
I will always hunger for answers to life's burning questions.
I will always love passionately and fully.
I will always find solace in penning my thoughts onto paper.
I will always be Katy, I will always be me.

Change: Unmistakeable, Ever-present

Change is a strange evocation of feelings,
Which encompass the changing of events.
As this new season of my life begins to commence,
I find myself wanting to reminisce.
College applications flooding my terrain,
Countless memories fill my obnoxious brain.
A shy, scared little girl,
Is now ready to take on the world.
I'm scared about the future-
Yes, it's a scary plight.
Yet, I keep finding peace as each day turns to night.
God's got a plan,
My destination in sight.
It's strange how time speeds by with each new light.
My future is brimming,
For once, life is unmistakably worth living.
A scared little girl once afraid to take flight,
Now finds solace with her dreams each night.

Floating on Cloud Nine

The way his eyes glint with a shimmer of understanding,
Makes my heart race and I can't feel myself standing.
I know I'm floating on a cloud,
But I honestly can't see myself coming down.
The high is undeniable,
My appetite for love is insatiable.
Hungry for his touch,
Longing for his company.
I pray if I'm dreaming it doesn't end abruptly.
So lost in love,
Navigating blurred lines is tough.
Never thought I would be enough,
Since when do I deserve this much?
The way his blue eyes shine,
For once I feel completely divine,
Taking my sweet time.
Can't believe this boy is mine.

A little something

Every time I look into his eyes,
A shattered slice of my heart begins to shine.
With him I never have to hide,
He knows pieces of me even I could never find.
It's a breath of fresh air,
The feeling of his hands through my hair.
With him I never have to be scared,
And I'm surprisingly unafraid of him not being there.

He's been my rock through it all-
Stuck through the mire even when it wasn't his fault.
Best friends until the end,
Lovers who don't have to pretend.
Each moment with him is a gift.
So thankful for his ability to uplift.

An angel to my nightmare,
The fuel to my every desire.
Like a small flame can start a fire,

So it feels my love will never tire.

Time

It's amazing how fast time passes. It seems like just yesterday I was building leaf piles with my little sisters, and running around splashing in puddles left by the pounding rain. Today, I am an overwhelmed, stressed teenager with too much to juggle and not enough time for sleep. A pile of college applications stare at me from the end of my kitchen table. Reminders keep coming in the mail to order senior pictures. A job dictates my freedom. Yet, in a weird way, I have never felt more full. I am surrounded by people who genuinely try to enrich my life. I am in a healthy, stable relationship. 

It's funny how time elapses. Time is a clever, unstable tracker of memories and moments. Nostalgia creeps over me like a wave beating against the shore. As my senior year looms before me, I find myself remembering. Remembering days when hours felt like years and time seemed a stretch of infinite possibility. Now, I can't seem to get enough of time-it feels so limited and precious. 

So I resolve to make the most of this limited measure humans call time. It will not scare me into making memories, rather, it will be the impetus to move forward and carry on the rest of my year without hesitation. Time is valuable. Time is a marker of infinite possibility. Time is what stands between me and the next chapter of my short life. Time is the gift which allows me the freedom to make the most of each moment. Time is a ticking clock.