A Burst of Sunlight

A sunrise reveals itself on the brink of her distress,
The wind gently plays with the ruffles in her dress.
A smile which gleams like gold
Makes its way through her shattered soul.

A gift in disguise,
An undercover blessing unfolding before her eyes.
Who know that joy could take the form
Of an imperfect storm.

A hand to hold in the middle of the bitter cold.
A shoulder on which she can unload
her incessant cries and desperate attempts to fulfill the world "alone."
Two strong arms which cradle her when she weeps.
A gentle voice which whispers promises he yearns to keep.
His heart beat which lulls her fast asleep.

She plods on with her day,
Telling herself she's finally rid herself of the decay-
the ever present, disparaging darkness of a past come to play.
A new light shines at dawn,
and I-I am finally learning what it means to move on.

The Perks of Being Human

"Why do I, and everyone I know pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"~Sam

"We accept the love we think we deserve"~Charlie

(The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky)

Reading this quote from one of my favorite novels made me feel like Stephen Chbosky peered into my inner soul and spoke the words I most needed to hear. Throughout my life I have constantly chosen to spend my time with people who do not deserve a millisecond of attention. In both friendships and relationships, I have chosen to give the most fragile pieces of my heart to those who have constantly treated me like a piece of disgusting bacteria growing on a stale piece of bread. The other day I was feeling worthless and vulnerable when I began truly mulling over this important thought of "accepting the love we think we deserve." I realized that through Charlie's letters, my eyes have been opened and I have learned the secret to pursuing worthwhile relationships: self worth.

I began asking myself a simple question. How do you REALLY view yourself? If I continue to see a withered, scarred, worthless reflection when I look in the mirror, how am I ever going to be satisfied with my earthly relationships. I realized that in order to view myself with the right mindset, and break the vicious cycle of choosing people who beat up on my self esteem, I accept how God views me as his precious child. He chooses to ignore the broken pieces of my inner self, and instead sees me as a precious treasure. God sees me as a beautiful creation, instead of an exhausted, worthless screw-up. The secret to establishing beneficial relationships is in changing how we view ourselves, and accepting the love we TRULY deserve.

Progress.

Shattered pieces of my soul,
Slowly begin to feel almost whole.
So many lessons are starting to unfold.
Once a curse, now a blessing
Am I truly able to withstand His testing?
Taking the pain and stuffing it within,
He allows a new journey to commence.
Every day a reminder of His unfailing grace.
Meeting real people who choose to put Christ at the center
Is making my priorities shift quicker.
Who am I to sing His praise,
And lift up His holy name.
Christ who filled the empty crevices
Deep inside my shallow soul,
Deserves love from someone much more whole.
Each day a new step forward,
A leap of faith,
A fresh start.
Every day I thank God for renewing my horrid heart.

A Battered Soul

Impossible to be cheerful,

with my inner voice constantly giving me an earful.

Others words haunt my every thought,

Teach me more than I ever needed to be taught.

Like the fickleness of a simple human heart,

The way it's better to cut them off before it starts.

A state of numb making a way through my pounding brain,

Will I ever be able to truly live again?

These names-these voices are all I hear.

I would give anything to avoid their sneers.

A constant barrage of mere human invention,

Masked with pure evil intention.

Labels like "worthless" and "cheap" and "crazy" oh my,

When I hear these words something inside me wants to fly.

An incessant repeating of these painful phrases,

Instead of crying out, I start to feel weightless.

"You'll never be anything more" they cry,

Driving me crazy with their staggering lies.

Unable to shake their weight this time,

Maybe it's time to find truth to these claims.

Each line, one stride closer to my inner demise.

The definition of Freedom

What is freedom?
Is it merely a release?
The slow, all encompassing
Removal of the unpleasantries which
Fill the broken pieces of our souls?
Nay, I say freedom is much more
Than the lackadaisical definition
Come to define this complex term.

Freedom is everywhere.
The whispers of a winter breeze
Humming softly through bare trees.
The warmth of sunshine,
Reaching out and melting one's frozen exterior.
Freedom is a bird's first flight,
The way stars twinkle in the night.
Freedom is everything,
It can even be found in you and me.

Grace Despite the Rain

The warm embrace of my Father
Overwhelms the empty crevices of my soul.
When I worship,
I feel a peace everlasting.
Though I become weary,
My mind burdened with the weight of a thousand suns,
When I run to Him a newness restores my spirit.

Now I'm drunk with His grace,
An overflowing ocean of mercy washes over me.
Times are tough, yet my God is enough.
Soaked in His presence,
I can feel His ever present siren call.
"Follow me little one,
You will find solace in the shelter of My arms."

I turn my face to the wind,
Focus on the voice within.
Shake off the worries and the fears,
Walk into my Father's arms and have Him dry my tears.
When I'm invested in Him,
I feel unable to pretend.
The broken pieces of my life sealed closed,
God's love heals the finite pieces of my secret soul.

Seeing Through His Eyes

The flashbacks start and memories beckon.

I need to remember those whom once held my affection.

Memories play through the haze in my brain,

Hurt that stays like a red wine stain.

A past full of pain,

Nothing ever stays the same.

Full of heartache and shame,

I was anxious to start again in a place

Where hopefully I can stay sane. 

A new school where all things change.

Hope blooms and fear grows,

All the while I try to remember this isn't a show.

Smiling faces greet me,

I can't believe the way they treat me-

Like someone who's worthy of being known.

Infectious laughter fills my aching spirit,

Encouraging messages soothe my soul.

These good times are suddenly making me whole.

A thawing evokes an awakening within,

Making me search to Him within.

Looking my eyes unto the holy throne,

I can see how my despair was just a loan.

He stripped me of all just so I could see,

How His beauty reveals a perfect plan for me.