Rising Above the Marriage Standard.

Recently, I have found myself fascinated with weddings. Perhaps it is because a childhood friend shall become a bride in a matter of days, or perhaps it is because I am nearing the age when every woman gets that "marriage itch." Whatever the case may be, I love watching wedding videos.

Yesterday, I was watching the wedding video of a bride that I knew from childhood. It was an absolutely beautiful ceremony, and it was evident that the young couple loved Jesus first and foremost. It was so beautiful that it made me start to think about the flawed way society tries to taint the idea of a "marriage" or "relationship." The raw display of love between this man and this woman, that's what young women should be striving for. Instead, we are taught to seek "Prince Charming" or "Superman." The main qualities these two icons possess is that they're, well, Charming and Super. A marriage cannot stand on these two superficial qualities. In the same way, women are constantly bombarded through various media outlets with the message that one of the most important qualities to seek in a man lies with his sexual performance in the bedroom.

Now, I'm not saying that little girls shouldn't be read bedtime fairy tales or allowed to watch the latest superhero flick. I'm not saying that women and men shouldn't be sexually attracted to one another. I'm merely suggesting that women be taught to strive for depth in their relationships, and encouraged to seek individuals with superior character. 

As women, we should be seeking dynamic relationships that allow us to become the individuals we were created to become. Most importantly, as Christ followers, we should be seeking relationships that reflect His love for the church, and meet His standards. We should pursue relationships with a man that displays qualities such as a hard working nature, passion, kindness, an encouraging spirit, motivated...the list goes on and on. 

I struggle with this truth every single day. It's hard to seek depth in relationships at such a young, wild time in one's life. But my challenge towards myself, and every other college aged woman I know, is to strive for MORE. We don't have to settle for superficiality, despite the lies that society thrusts upon us. We can, and should, hold out for the best. (Not perfection, for no one is without fault. Just someone with significance.) For how are we ever going to rise above the devastating divorce epidemic if we don't strive to marry men who possess the qualities necessary to uphold a long lasting, Godly relationship? 

As women, we don't have to settle for less than we deserve. God has a carefully selected, incredible individual picked out for each of us, but we have to be willing to seek meaningful relationships in order to find him.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

Relinquishing Control

I'm sorry for crowding my blog with all of the melodramatic "awakenings" that I've been posting recently...but I simply cannot help but share how God has been shaping my life over the past few months. It's as if I've finally woken up from a blinding fog which caused me to constantly lower my personal standards, and settle into an identity which was never meant to be my own.

I have spent the past year trying to become the woman who had everything under control, and as a result, I became reluctant to accept the fact that God has a perfect plan for my life that is better than anything I could ever create myself. I have been saddled by so much anxiety over the future, that I constantly squandered the gift of the present. I allowed myself to be manipulated in various relationships instead of focusing on developing my few precious passions. I lost sight of who I truly was at the core of my being, because I was trying to do everything on my own. 

Yet, over the past few months, a gradual change has taken place in my life. My soul is at peace knowing that God has my future in his very capable hands. He knows what my next chapter will look like. He has hand selected my journey. He shaped me into the woman I am today, and loves me just the way I am-mistakes and all. So why did I ever doubt His faithfulness? How could I have allowed myself to become so burdened by the future, instead of focusing on His promise to have everything under control? Lastly, how could I have considered myself so unworthy as to have surrounded myself with people who only have selfish intentions?

The answer: I am human. I am extremely flawed, and He is merciful. God knows the bumps we will encounter along our journey long before we encounter them. He has created a set direction for our lives before we have even been conceived. He anticipates our failures, and yet loves us in spite of our brokenness. He is faithful, and wants us to seek refuge in Him. As I re-learn these simple truths, I am able to take a step back and relax. God should be the only guiding force in my life helping me navigate my way through young adulthood. Only He knows the direction I am headed in, and only He is capable of having complete control. 

Believing these significant truths have helped shape my inner being, and allowed me to see God's hand over my life. He is slowly revealing pieces of His perfect plan for my life, and it is unbelievably exciting. He is shaping me into the woman I have always wanted to become-confident in His direction for my life, filled with an inner joy, and blessed with meaningful relationships. 

We will all face many regrets in our lifetimes. At some point in our lives, each of us will reflect over a period of time in which we fought various battles on our own instead of giving them to God. But I'm learning that it's okay to mess up sometimes. It's okay to give yourself room to breathe. It's okay to lose focus, and need to ask God for direction. He is faithful. He is patient beyond measure. And He wants to reveal His perfect plan to each and every one of us, if we will only give him the opportunity to take control of our lives. 

Hand over the steering wheel sometimes, and learn to relax in the passenger seat. Life is a journey-and I'm learning to enjoy the ride.

Loneliness. (Not the bad kind)

Recently, I've begun discovering that it is okay to be alone. I find no greater joy than when I'm listening to Lana del Rey and wracking my brain for inspiration in order to continue writing my latest novel. I am learning that there are seasons of life when we are not meant to be with someone else.

Sometimes it takes being alone to realize the depths of who you really are.

I used to fear loneliness. I used to run from it with every fiber of my being, constantly craving the presence of another individual to help me escape from the messy parts of myself. Instead of developing my own identity, I belonged to whatever person was around me at that moment.

But not anymore. I have made peace with every bit of myself. I have finally given myself a very precious gift: TIME. I am capturing every moment, and utilizing it. I am discovering what makes me happy, and refusing to waste any second of life on people and things that make me sad. I am captivated by the very idea that I am learning the art of selfishness-not to the extent that others are hurt, simply because being selfish is so important sometimes in order to satisfy one's soul.

It's okay to be alone.

creative vibes

There is no greater beauty than in creating a representation of one's soul.
through the magic of brushstrokes, and the flowing ink of a pen.
through photographs which capture each precious moment.
through dancing-the freedom of expression through fluid body movement.
through the melodious notes erupting from various instruments.
through words-the glorious composition of ideas formulated from simple synonyms.

For in one's creativity lies pieces of their inner self.
Crafting beauty out of simplicity provokes a vulnerability amongst people,
Gives each person something to rely on and offers a beacon of hope.
For it is the creative soul which instigates progress and reveals beauty.
Life is rich for those bold enough to fully embrace it,
Squeeze the marrow out of it,
The ones who C R E A T E.

The Pursuit of LIFE

Slowly picking up the pieces of the life I so freely abandoned.

Trying to rebuild valuable friendships and establish myself as a better friend in return. 

Spending my time developing my artistic endeavors,

Continuing to write, and allow my voice to be heard.

Learning to ignore the urge to let love define me-

I am significant, and I am an individual first. 

Losing myself in the pursuit of adventure, 

Making memories I won't soon forget.

After 10 months of ignoring myself,

I'm determined to re-discover what it means to live. 

Moments.

The pity is the worst part. The selfish looks surveying your entire body, seemingly looking into the essence of your soul. The loneliness is awful too. The gut wrenching realization that after so long, here you are once again, forced to face the same God-awful reflection in the mirror. The sudden awareness after the shock fades that you are once again the same person you once were, equipped with the same insecurities and fighting the same battles. 

Does that first paragraph seem bombastic? Filled to the brim with hyperbole? Let me rewind.

It's easy to forget who you are in the arms of another. It's so incredibly simple that people fantasize about it-they even romanticize the idea of placing their identity in the hands of another. But in the end, when the butterflies are gone and the bickering remains, it becomes trying to put on another's face each day. Because who have you become when your identity is wrapped in someone else? Where have your passions, hopes, fears and dreams fled? How does the person in your reflection compare to the individual you have become? 

And then it's all over-just like that. All the late night phone calls, adventures, and day dreaming. All of the time spent consumed with one another seems to vanish in a flash, and the person who left you breathless is no more than a memory. You are each individual people again and that adjustment seems a lot harder than necessary. 

The recovery. That's what I was referring to at the beginning. The stage of your life after something amazing ends when your heart is preparing space for a new wonder to occur. A new person to make you feel special, beautiful, and loved. 

The moment where you realize that you aren't alone is the very best. That moment when you feel your toes tingle for the first time in months, and your soul rejoices with reckless abandon. The moment it hits you for the first time that you are free. You are able to spread your wings and enjoy life to the very fullest, for one day it will all be taken away. The loneliness you feel isn't such a burden anymore, now it is a very precious gift. 

Life's too short to be wasted. Embrace every season, every roller coaster ride. Fall in love. Experience heartbreak. Lust. Let every inch of your being be filled with gratitude for times of change. Let yourself live. 

riddles from the heart.

we were laughing together,
experiencing life to the fullest.
it was 7:00 in a mexican restaurant,
when i realized i could become drunk on the sound of your joy.
and i never want to fall asleep without hearing your voice.
no matter what life throws our way,
i cannot imagine falling asleep next to any other face.