Learning Curves

I have learned to find beauty in the simplicity of everyday things,
I have learned to finally open my mind and spread my wings.
I have learned to laugh, even when I am unsure of the right words to say.
I have learned to prance around without care,
I have learned that it's okay to share.
I have learned to love and let my feelings fly free,
I have learned what it means to truly embrace glee.
I have learned to cry over other's lies,
I have learned to take a deep breath and have a slice of pie.
I have learned to relax,
I have learned that it's okay to not be exact.
I have learned to rejoice even when I feel I have no voice.
I have learned to embrace my faults even when it's hard,
I have learned that no one can ever become too marred.

This year has been wrapped in teachings, so much so that I constantly feel I'm reaping. And under the umbrella of grace, this year has helped me find His face.

Reasons to Keep Living

Just in case one of you needed a reminder...

Reasons:

hot bubble baths after a stressful day. smelling books. exploring new thrift shops. looking up big words in a dictionary. a wide, full toothed smile. laughing at the latest romantic comedy. traveling to foreign lands. eating exotic foods. wearing big, ugly sweaters. singing Christmas carols. hiking in the mountains. writing in a journal. attending midnight premieres. enjoying candy canes. watching the sunrise and sunset. crying to release the pain. becoming engrossed by a novel. painting your nails. being kissed by someone who truly cares. watching a child learn to walk. learning how to sew. wearing a beautiful dress. watching a monumental documentary. enjoying a banana split sundae with extra hot fudge. going on drives at midnight. wearing fuzzy socks. running your toes through the sand. the smell of rain. speaking a unique language. having a grand adventure. falling in love for the first time. falling in love for forever. giving the gift of forgiveness. pulling an all-nighter. the first drop of an insane roller coaster. baking cookies. Broadway plays. attending football games. watching Disney movies from childhood. beanies. stuffed animals from a special someone. sleeping with someone you love. cuddling. the euphoric feeling after a good workout. listening to a good 80's song. catching fireflies. catching snowflakes. building gingerbread houses. dancing in the rain. bonfires. realizing a mistake is not the end of the world. poetry. rubbing lotion on smooth skin. eating until you're full. long hugs. discovering a new indie band. coffee with the perfect amount of whipped cream. worn in blue jeans. a double rainbow. scavenger hunts. debates. a loud thunderstorm. baby kittens. joy. hope. dreaming about infinite possibilities. everything.

Because we all need a list like this one sometimes. Stay Strong. 

Influence

"All influence is immoral. Because to influence a person is to give him one's own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there is such things as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of someone else's music, an actor of a part that had not been written for him."
-The Picture of Dorian Gray (Oscar Wilde)

Influence. Such a simplistic, yet complex word with so much power. Most people take advantage of their actions, choose to selfishly hold onto them without any regard for how they might affect others. Really, every step we take as individuals holds meaning. When coming across this quote, I was instantly reminded of the importance of making decisive decisions. Instead of acting impulsively and sporadically, perhaps, I could take the time to think about how my steps affect others. Instead of choosing to make decisions based solely on how they can impact my life, maybe I could stop to consider the way each seemingly simple action holds the potential to make or break someone's day.

However, at what point is influence taken to the extreme? At what point is influence too dangerous? This quote so eloquently provides readers with a clear picture of how shallow a person can become. Often, I see simple-minded people making dangerous decisions based on some other simplistic person's influence and persuasion. There comes a time when influential power becomes over-wrought with selfishness and greed. The power to control and promote one's own opinions and ideals is so addicting. Sometimes, people purposefully exert influence based on the sheer thrill of it all. The adrenaline rush which comes from control.

So let us strive to make influence become balanced. Consider another person when making being decisive, yet be aware of the tempting swell of power which stems from being a driving force. Exerting influence is inevitable, yet be mindful.

"Iron sharpens iron, as one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

Honest Reflection

I look in the mirror and all I see is my past.

The words "slut" "drunk" and "fatass" scar my face like a mask. 

I wonder how long this will last,

Because I doubt I can handle it anymore with class.

He looks at me with such dignity,

But can't he see what my past has made me?

I'm nothing but a giant scar,

Trying to forget who she was at the start.

Maybe this is depressing,

But, hell, hopefully you'll learn a lesson.

Your past shapes you, molds you, creates you.

Just when you think you've escaped it-finally fled from its grasp,

It will come reminding you that forgetting is an impossible task.

Hopefully one day I will finally see,

The person I was truly meant to be.

But for now, all I see,

Is a screwed up me. 

To The Moon

My heart races,

Palpitates with desire and fear. 

Every time I feel your hand graze mine,

Something in me begins to feel alive.

I could do this until the day I die,

Gallivanting around with my favorite guy. 

I love you to the moon and back.

Whenever we fight,
It's not out of spite.

I love you to the moon and back.

We look at houses,
Dreaming about our futures.
Hoping to never stray apart.
Even though this life is hard,
I hope to always keep you in my heart.

I love you to the moon and back.

This road might be rough,
And the hardships tough.
But I know one thing for sure,
With us there is always allure.

I love you to the moon and back.

Nostalgia and Discontent

I have always seemed discontented. I rushed around as a little girl, in frilly pink dresses, dreaming about the day I would start high school. I would dreamily hold hands with my pretend "boyfriend" and long for my first kiss. As a five, six, seven, eight year old with an active imagination; I would practice graduating high school and waltz down the wedding aisle.

As my senior year continues to unfold, I find myself wanting, more than anything, to be that bright-eyed baby girl again. Oh how I wish I could stop the incessant ticking of my life clock. Children spend so long trying to grow up, sometimes they forget to be kids for a little while. Now, I find myself regressing into childish behaviors: watching Disney movies, sleeping with a night light, and cuddling with my favorite stuffed animal. It's exciting to ponder the possibilities of my future, but I still find myself wanting to just freeze today.

If I could go back and tell my childish self any piece of advice, it would be this: live in the moment. Enjoy each day as it comes. Cherish the bedtime stories momma reads to you every night. Rejoice in the feeling of the wind in your hair as you swing higher and higher on a swing set. Keep playing pretend for as long as you can, because one day, your imagination simply runs out. Remember to count your blessings each time your parents dress you up for church and parade you around like a porcelain china doll. Never fail to embrace your youth.

Today, I will allow myself the freedom to pursue the road of nostalgia. I will remember. Even though I cannot permanently stop time, I will enjoy the beauty of yesterday. My senior year may be constantly moving forward, I will allow myself to sneak quick glimpses backwards whenever I feel the urge to remember the days where life was simple, and I was carefree.

Strong.

Strong. To me, this simple word is more than just five characters. In my life, “strong” is a state of mind, an impetus to keep moving forward even when everything seems to fall apart.

I was thirteen years old when my friend Buli Mia corrupted me. She became essential to my identity, an unrelenting force. Buli whispered lies of inadequacy into my heart and gripped my soul with her iron fist. Pretty soon, she invited Ana Rexia to assist in her conquest. Every aspect of my life was dictated by their desires. Calories were our worst enemy, even more so than mirrors.

Years later, I awoke pale and fragile. My skin was sallow and my heart broken. Kicking and screaming, my loving mother dragged me to the doctor, whom she hoped would send me a wake up call. I was told I would die if Ana and Buli did not leave me alone. The weight of my friends’ destruction hit me like a tidal wave. I realized just how broken and lost I truly had become. I was a  broken, beautiful soul.

Miserable and alone, I willed my friends to leave me alone. I could not bear the weight of their subtle ploys any longer. I could not face my sin with a smile. Curled in a fetal position on my massive bed, feeling my protruding bones, I made a decision. I would no longer let Ana and Buli into my life. I would try my hardest to shut out their sweet whispers of desire. I would stand firmly in the truths of who I am, and refuse to stop fighting until I had gained every ounce of my broken identity back. I would never let the lies of others dictate whom I had become.

Now, I am determined to never allow these enemies into my life. Every day is a struggle, every meal a miracle. But I will celebrate each individual triumph. I have “strong” permanently inked into my skin as a representation of what I have overcome. Whenever obstacles stand in my way, I remember my resolution made in the wake of my sinful self. I will stand strong, suck the marrow out of life, and allow freedom access into my soul. I will win.