A little something

Every time I look into his eyes,
A shattered slice of my heart begins to shine.
With him I never have to hide,
He knows pieces of me even I could never find.
It's a breath of fresh air,
The feeling of his hands through my hair.
With him I never have to be scared,
And I'm surprisingly unafraid of him not being there.

He's been my rock through it all-
Stuck through the mire even when it wasn't his fault.
Best friends until the end,
Lovers who don't have to pretend.
Each moment with him is a gift.
So thankful for his ability to uplift.

An angel to my nightmare,
The fuel to my every desire.
Like a small flame can start a fire,

So it feels my love will never tire.

Time

It's amazing how fast time passes. It seems like just yesterday I was building leaf piles with my little sisters, and running around splashing in puddles left by the pounding rain. Today, I am an overwhelmed, stressed teenager with too much to juggle and not enough time for sleep. A pile of college applications stare at me from the end of my kitchen table. Reminders keep coming in the mail to order senior pictures. A job dictates my freedom. Yet, in a weird way, I have never felt more full. I am surrounded by people who genuinely try to enrich my life. I am in a healthy, stable relationship. 

It's funny how time elapses. Time is a clever, unstable tracker of memories and moments. Nostalgia creeps over me like a wave beating against the shore. As my senior year looms before me, I find myself remembering. Remembering days when hours felt like years and time seemed a stretch of infinite possibility. Now, I can't seem to get enough of time-it feels so limited and precious. 

So I resolve to make the most of this limited measure humans call time. It will not scare me into making memories, rather, it will be the impetus to move forward and carry on the rest of my year without hesitation. Time is valuable. Time is a marker of infinite possibility. Time is what stands between me and the next chapter of my short life. Time is the gift which allows me the freedom to make the most of each moment. Time is a ticking clock. 

Reflections

Looking back on the past year of my life, I am humbled.

A year ago, I was frail and tragically broken. I was scared to death of being unlike those around me. I was terrified of being myself and had a heightened awareness of what others thought of me. Did I have reasons to feel this way? Yes. I was justified in my distress. I was broken and my heart was still in shambles because of events that had left their mark. However, I was bound. Bound by my depression and my sadness. Bound by the lies of my enemy. Bound by the chains wrapped around my heart and my heartstrings.

Now, I am free. I am whole. I am fully me. 

A year of challenges, peer pressure, relationship dramatics, and angst. A year of heartbreak and making mistakes. A year of lessons in what it means to truly love and trust. A year of laughter and deciding to remove the mask which previously blocked my tears. A year of evolving, and exploring. A year of travel-embracing the wanderlust which pushes me daily towards adventure. A year of everlasting friendship.

Today, I will laugh. Today, I will sing-not to show off or gain attention, but to feel the fullness which comes with releasing every note. Today, I will smile a toothy grin. Today, I will open up a piece of my heart with bitter reluctance and bold courage. Today, I will marvel at the beauty at my Creator's hand. Today, I will rejoice in the joy oozing out of my every pore. I will enjoy this rush of happiness and rest in the assurance contentedness brings. Today, I will enjoy being the most complete version of myself. I will embrace my quirks and my failures. Today, I choose to be me. 

Renewed

A murmur awakens deep corners of my dusty, dirty soul.

A sensitive yearning only felt once before-

A childlike whisper tinged with the faint hope of desire.

Burning longing dares to expose the most fragile parts of me-

The gooey, vulnerable bits only he seems to see.

With each faint touch my body slowly begins to de-thaw.

Learning to trust again,

Learning to open myself up to the faintest possibility of love again.

With each passing day I find myself wondering-is it really possible for a woman as dried up and callous as I to find the courage to intrust another human with my porcelain heart?

And yet, the answer slams against me like an exhilarating ocean wave.

I don't even need to ask myself this burning question.

For i know, as damaged as I am

As scarred and twisted my heart has seemingly become,

The beaconing of his soul is stronger than any chain, any hindrance I might be afraid to find again.

I will fall-harder, stronger, more passionately than I would before.

Because as marred as my inner spirit might seem, I know that love is for me.

A bright spot in my journey

Blue skies with polka dots of white,

Winds whispering hopeful promises into my damp, black soul.

"Look on the bright side. Soak in the warmth of the glimmering promise of each new day."

A confident quiet spirit fills my aching mind.

Flowers dancing in the breeze,

Seem to speak truths of ease. 

A new day brims with rays of sunshine.

The ice of my black heart melts and sizzles with the beaming smiles of those around.

My heart can truly observe what's all abound,

My spirit soars, my soul grows wings.

Maybe I'm learning how to really sing.

The weight has lifted,

I must appreciate what I've been gifted.

Blue skies with polka dots of white.

A battered soul with a hopeful spirit

She spends her days

Reflecting on her ways-

How and what she could change.

A life full of pain,

A smile carved to conceal the pain.

She wakes up and lives out her fate,

Singing songs of hope

And wiping tears off a little girl's face.

As the girl grows up,

She wonders how she could be so tough.

Fighting battles for her daughter

Who couldn't do much

To stop the bullies from being rough.

Her life may seem the same,

But to that little girl it's not a game.

Her momma receives all pride and joy.

The little girl is not ashamed,

To wake up everyday and face her momma's rain. 

The girl remains the same

Yet starts to rapidly change.

Not so little anymore, 

She glimpses her mother once more.

Swallows her adolescent pride,

And decides to tell her mother the reasons she shouldn't hide.

You're so much more than you've been settling for.

You're someone I will forever adore.

You're someone willing to explore.

You taught me how to implore,

Question the universe and find what's in store.

You're one of a kind-

No one else could ever be so sublime.

You're funny to be around-with you I don't have to hide.

You're worth more weight in gold than I could ever buy.

I love you mom and I'm trying to tell you why...

Keep holding on,

I know your rope is thin

But I couldn't even imagine this life

Without you by my side.

A Burst of Sunlight

A sunrise reveals itself on the brink of her distress,
The wind gently plays with the ruffles in her dress.
A smile which gleams like gold
Makes its way through her shattered soul.

A gift in disguise,
An undercover blessing unfolding before her eyes.
Who know that joy could take the form
Of an imperfect storm.

A hand to hold in the middle of the bitter cold.
A shoulder on which she can unload
her incessant cries and desperate attempts to fulfill the world "alone."
Two strong arms which cradle her when she weeps.
A gentle voice which whispers promises he yearns to keep.
His heart beat which lulls her fast asleep.

She plods on with her day,
Telling herself she's finally rid herself of the decay-
the ever present, disparaging darkness of a past come to play.
A new light shines at dawn,
and I-I am finally learning what it means to move on.