Renewed

A murmur awakens deep corners of my dusty, dirty soul.

A sensitive yearning only felt once before-

A childlike whisper tinged with the faint hope of desire.

Burning longing dares to expose the most fragile parts of me-

The gooey, vulnerable bits only he seems to see.

With each faint touch my body slowly begins to de-thaw.

Learning to trust again,

Learning to open myself up to the faintest possibility of love again.

With each passing day I find myself wondering-is it really possible for a woman as dried up and callous as I to find the courage to intrust another human with my porcelain heart?

And yet, the answer slams against me like an exhilarating ocean wave.

I don't even need to ask myself this burning question.

For i know, as damaged as I am

As scarred and twisted my heart has seemingly become,

The beaconing of his soul is stronger than any chain, any hindrance I might be afraid to find again.

I will fall-harder, stronger, more passionately than I would before.

Because as marred as my inner spirit might seem, I know that love is for me.

A bright spot in my journey

Blue skies with polka dots of white,

Winds whispering hopeful promises into my damp, black soul.

"Look on the bright side. Soak in the warmth of the glimmering promise of each new day."

A confident quiet spirit fills my aching mind.

Flowers dancing in the breeze,

Seem to speak truths of ease. 

A new day brims with rays of sunshine.

The ice of my black heart melts and sizzles with the beaming smiles of those around.

My heart can truly observe what's all abound,

My spirit soars, my soul grows wings.

Maybe I'm learning how to really sing.

The weight has lifted,

I must appreciate what I've been gifted.

Blue skies with polka dots of white.

A battered soul with a hopeful spirit

She spends her days

Reflecting on her ways-

How and what she could change.

A life full of pain,

A smile carved to conceal the pain.

She wakes up and lives out her fate,

Singing songs of hope

And wiping tears off a little girl's face.

As the girl grows up,

She wonders how she could be so tough.

Fighting battles for her daughter

Who couldn't do much

To stop the bullies from being rough.

Her life may seem the same,

But to that little girl it's not a game.

Her momma receives all pride and joy.

The little girl is not ashamed,

To wake up everyday and face her momma's rain. 

The girl remains the same

Yet starts to rapidly change.

Not so little anymore, 

She glimpses her mother once more.

Swallows her adolescent pride,

And decides to tell her mother the reasons she shouldn't hide.

You're so much more than you've been settling for.

You're someone I will forever adore.

You're someone willing to explore.

You taught me how to implore,

Question the universe and find what's in store.

You're one of a kind-

No one else could ever be so sublime.

You're funny to be around-with you I don't have to hide.

You're worth more weight in gold than I could ever buy.

I love you mom and I'm trying to tell you why...

Keep holding on,

I know your rope is thin

But I couldn't even imagine this life

Without you by my side.

A Burst of Sunlight

A sunrise reveals itself on the brink of her distress,
The wind gently plays with the ruffles in her dress.
A smile which gleams like gold
Makes its way through her shattered soul.

A gift in disguise,
An undercover blessing unfolding before her eyes.
Who know that joy could take the form
Of an imperfect storm.

A hand to hold in the middle of the bitter cold.
A shoulder on which she can unload
her incessant cries and desperate attempts to fulfill the world "alone."
Two strong arms which cradle her when she weeps.
A gentle voice which whispers promises he yearns to keep.
His heart beat which lulls her fast asleep.

She plods on with her day,
Telling herself she's finally rid herself of the decay-
the ever present, disparaging darkness of a past come to play.
A new light shines at dawn,
and I-I am finally learning what it means to move on.

The Perks of Being Human

"Why do I, and everyone I know pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"~Sam

"We accept the love we think we deserve"~Charlie

(The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky)

Reading this quote from one of my favorite novels made me feel like Stephen Chbosky peered into my inner soul and spoke the words I most needed to hear. Throughout my life I have constantly chosen to spend my time with people who do not deserve a millisecond of attention. In both friendships and relationships, I have chosen to give the most fragile pieces of my heart to those who have constantly treated me like a piece of disgusting bacteria growing on a stale piece of bread. The other day I was feeling worthless and vulnerable when I began truly mulling over this important thought of "accepting the love we think we deserve." I realized that through Charlie's letters, my eyes have been opened and I have learned the secret to pursuing worthwhile relationships: self worth.

I began asking myself a simple question. How do you REALLY view yourself? If I continue to see a withered, scarred, worthless reflection when I look in the mirror, how am I ever going to be satisfied with my earthly relationships. I realized that in order to view myself with the right mindset, and break the vicious cycle of choosing people who beat up on my self esteem, I accept how God views me as his precious child. He chooses to ignore the broken pieces of my inner self, and instead sees me as a precious treasure. God sees me as a beautiful creation, instead of an exhausted, worthless screw-up. The secret to establishing beneficial relationships is in changing how we view ourselves, and accepting the love we TRULY deserve.

Progress.

Shattered pieces of my soul,
Slowly begin to feel almost whole.
So many lessons are starting to unfold.
Once a curse, now a blessing
Am I truly able to withstand His testing?
Taking the pain and stuffing it within,
He allows a new journey to commence.
Every day a reminder of His unfailing grace.
Meeting real people who choose to put Christ at the center
Is making my priorities shift quicker.
Who am I to sing His praise,
And lift up His holy name.
Christ who filled the empty crevices
Deep inside my shallow soul,
Deserves love from someone much more whole.
Each day a new step forward,
A leap of faith,
A fresh start.
Every day I thank God for renewing my horrid heart.

A Battered Soul

Impossible to be cheerful,

with my inner voice constantly giving me an earful.

Others words haunt my every thought,

Teach me more than I ever needed to be taught.

Like the fickleness of a simple human heart,

The way it's better to cut them off before it starts.

A state of numb making a way through my pounding brain,

Will I ever be able to truly live again?

These names-these voices are all I hear.

I would give anything to avoid their sneers.

A constant barrage of mere human invention,

Masked with pure evil intention.

Labels like "worthless" and "cheap" and "crazy" oh my,

When I hear these words something inside me wants to fly.

An incessant repeating of these painful phrases,

Instead of crying out, I start to feel weightless.

"You'll never be anything more" they cry,

Driving me crazy with their staggering lies.

Unable to shake their weight this time,

Maybe it's time to find truth to these claims.

Each line, one stride closer to my inner demise.